Damn New Year by The Blonde Sheep
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Category: Jack/Daniel
Genres: Angst, Drama, Holiday, Hurt/Comfort
Rated: Mature
Warnings: None
Series: None
Summary: Jack's in a dark place this New Years Eve. Can Daniel provide him that little spark he needs?

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Author's Chapter Notes:
A Little Depressing. Mild Language
I'm glad of the lack of New Year's traffic as I race down the empty roads.

Damn you, Jack.

He'd phoned Sam when the party had been in full swing to inform her he wouldn't be able to come; some crap about a bad headache and getting an early night. He'd planned it, waiting until the last minute so none of us would offer to check on him- or so he'd thought. No way am I allowing Jack to see the New Year in by himself.

Damn you, Jack.

I swerve the car into Jack's road, keeping one eye on the clock. I've got nineteen minutes until those clocks start to chime. Nineteen minutes to talk some sense into my best friend, well, kinda best friend...it's complicated.

Damn you, Jack.

He's the one that's been messing me around. Acting like he wants more than friendship one minute, then giving me the cold shoulder and a knife in the back, the next. I don't know why he's acting this way, but I'd be lying if I said our disintegrating friendship wasn't bothering me.

Damn you, Jack.

I've been losing sleep over it. I've tried talking to him but he manages to do this incredible impression of a clam any time I approach him. A clam with poison-tipped spikes. I can't figure out why he's doing this to me, to him...to us.

Damn you, Jack.

I pull up in his driveway, almost hitting the back of his beloved truck. It'd serve him damn right if I did.

Damn you, Jack.

I stomp up his steps and press my thumb to the door bell, leaving it to ring continuously. If he's got a headache then this will certainly get him out of bed fast! I use my other hand to bang against the glass panels. Where the hell is he?

Damn you, Jack.

I hear a noise coming from around the corner. There's only one place he could be. He's gone up to his roof. He's gone up to the roof by himself on new years, in the cold. He lied to Sam...to all of us. He's chosen to be alone, instead of being surrounded by friends and family.

Damn you, Jack.

Angry now, I march around the corner in the direction of the ladder. I hate heights. I hate this ladder. And right now I'm pretty close to hating Jack.

Damn you, Jack.

The peaceful silence is broken by the sound of a speeding car. These bloody drunk drivers, worse night of the year. Then it slows down, tires screeching as it pulls into my drive. There's only one person it could be.

Damn you, Daniel.

I wanted to be alone tonight, get some perceptive on my life, which I certainly wasn't going to get from some damn party. I wanted time away from Daniel. I needed time to put him in perspective. Our relationship is changing and I just need some time to work out what's happening.

Damn you, Daniel.

I'd told Sam I was ill- why couldn't he have just taken a hint? I hear his car door slam closed, with a muttered curse shouted in the crisp of the night. I close my eyes and listen as his shoes hit the concrete and his hand bangs on my door. It won't take him long to find me up here.

Damn you, Daniel.

Sure enough I soon hear his feet make connection with the ladder, as he stubbornly climbs his way to me.

Damn you, Daniel.

Why can't he just leave me alone? Why is he always pushing?

"Hey Jack."

"Daniel." Leave me alone.

"Thought you were ill."

I open my eyes to see him, drink in his sight. He looks good. He's wearing a dark suit, no doubt made an effort for Sam's party. The party he should still be at.

Damn you, Daniel.

"Found a cure," I gesture towards the half empty beer bottle.

I hear him sigh as he comes further onto the platform. Closer to me.

"How many have you had?" The darkness of night seems to swallow his words. I feel his concerned gaze roam across my face. He shouldn't be worrying about me. I don't deserve it.

Damn you, Daniel.

"Not enough."

"Jack?" He's pushing me again, always pushing.

"That's it!" I snap, "that's all I've fucking had, half a beer- is that a crime now Dr Jackson? For a guy to have some beer on New Years?"

Damn you, Daniel.

Damn you, Jack.

I came here to help him and yet he's not grateful. He's treating me like shit- but hey what's new there?

"No." I answer truthfully, glad he isn't drunk. A sober Jack is easier dealing with than a drunk Jack; well, most of the time.

Damn you, Jack.

I say nothing else. What else is there to say? I lean against the back wall, as far away from the platform's edge as possible and just wait. It's new year and I'm miserable. Absolutely fucking miserable and who's fault is it?

Damn you, Jack.

I'm sitting on a cold high up ledge, with a man who's company could be greatly improved. I could be having fun at a party. I should be having fun at the party...only I wasn't, couldn't have fun knowing Jack was alone.

"Why are you here?"

I'm asking myself the same question.

Damn you, Jack.

"To wish you a happy new year, I guess."

"What's so fucking happy about it?"

I sigh and run a hand through my distressed hair, worrying it further.

Damn you, Jack.

"A new start, fresh beginnings," I murmur into the silence of night, looking up at the stars that seem to be suffocating us.

"Another year to fuck up."

Damn you, Jack.

Why is he always so damn pessimistic? The holidays aren't exactly a walk in the park for me either but at least I'm trying to make an effort here. For him.

Damn you, Jack.

Damn you, Daniel.

Why did he come here? Why's he trying to be so damn happy? That's the last thing I need right now. I don't need him to come here spreading good will. It's not welcome, he's not welcome. I want to be alone.

Damn you, Daniel.

"Go back to your party, Daniel."

I watch as he looks down at his wrist, trying to read the skin's plastic mutation in the darkness. It's not dark enough.

"Not much point. It will be midnight in ten minutes. If I leave now I'll be welcoming the new year in by myself on an empty highway."

Damn you, Daniel.

He thinks he's got it all planned out?

"You should have thought of that."

He answers me with silence.

Damn you, Daniel.

"What's going on Jack?"

I close my eyes in exasperation. Always pushing.

"Nothing. Now please go."

"No."

Damn you, Daniel.

"Not leaving you when you're like this."

"Like what?" I bark, "I'm not drunk and wanting some time alone doesn't equal being suicidal!"

Damn you, Daniel.

"I wasn't suggesting you were suicidal." His voice starts to rise in the harshness of the night. "Fuck sake, you're impossible!"

Good, maybe he will go and leave me. Let me be by myself again.

Damn you, Daniel.

I want to be alone.

"No you don't."

I hadn't meant to say that aloud. I hadn't meant for him to hear me.

Damn you, Daniel.

Damn you, Jack.

Why is he being such a stubborn bastard? No one should be alone tonight, any night.

Damn you, Jack.

I watch as he just sits, still, his features obscured by the passing shadows. His breath is visible, misting in front of his solemn face, before disappearing in the night air, only to be replaced moments later. I don't want to care this much. But I do.

Damn you, Jack.

"You look cold."

"You're not my mother."

"I know."

Damn you, Jack.

"I've been a lot colder, a lot." His eyes see old nightmares, twisting and replaying their worrying images right in front of him.

"Want to talk about it?"

He laughs bitterly.

Damn you, Jack.

I watch as he reaches over for his beer. Eyes locking with mine before he takes a swig. The message is clear. He's choosing the beer over me.

Damn you, Jack.

I don't have to take this but I will. And I blame Jack for that. I blame Jack for making me care so much about him.

"I thought we were friends," I look down at my cold hands, clasped together for warmth.

He says nothing.

Damn you, Jack.

I risk a glance over at him and see him staring at me.

"Damn you, Daniel," he curses quietly.

I swallow.

Damn you, Jack.

Damn you, Daniel

Of course we're friends. How could he doubt that? Yeah, maybe I've been distancing myself slightly from him over the last few months but...

Damn you, Daniel.

He remains silent, propped up against the brickwork. He hates coming up here. I love it. We are so different but so alike where it counts.

Damn you, Daniel.

I don't want to talk about this tonight. Maybe not any night. But I will, I will for him. I see it in his blue pain-filled eyes. If I don't talk tonight I'll lose him. Maybe for good.

Damn you, Daniel.

I'd wanted more time. More time to work through my feelings, but he can't give me that. Maybe I've had long enough but I still don't know.

"We are friends, Daniel." That's true- I know that much.

He scuffs at me!

Damn you, Daniel.

At least I'm trying. But then so has he. He's been trying all these months and I haven't given him any credit. But why is this all down to me?

Damn you, Daniel.

"I'm trying here, Daniel," I tell him earnestly. I watch for his reaction but his face remains emotionless. I taught him that. He had to learn it too well.

Damn you, Daniel.

Damn you, Jack.

What does he want a damn medal? He's not the only one that's been putting some effort into trying to save this...whatever you want to call it, between us. I sometimes wonder why I even bother. It's useless.

"I just need some time, Daniel."

Damn you, Jack.

Time? What's he think these last few months have been about? No, I gave him time. I gave him time to do it his way, now it's time to try it my way.

"You've had enough."

"I don't think that's possible," he informs me gravely.

Damn you, Jack.

I'm the one that's being left in the dark. Chained up and helpless, forced to watch as Jack slowly left me. Well, now I'm going to force him to listen to me; I've got him imprisoned on this roof. No, I didn't do that. Jack did. He imprisoned himself, allowed me to do it. He's still in control.

Damn you, Jack.

There's only one thing I can say, one thing I can do to give me back any power between us. It will force him to acknowledge what he needs to, before it breaks us. I didn't want to be the one to say it first.

Damn you, Jack.

"I love you."

I'd imagined saying it to him on New Years Eve, just at the strike of midnight. He'd romantically be in my embrace, gazing lovingly into my eyes as if I was his whole universe. He'd kiss me, this gentle tender loving kiss and then whisper the words, full of passion.

Reality sucks.

Damn you, Jack.

"I know." His eyes are full of pain and longing buried deep within their depths.

He offers nothing else.

Maybe he can't offer what I so badly need to stay alive.

Maybe he can.

"Say it."

Damn you, Jack.

Damn you, Daniel.

I know what he wants me to say. He doesn't care if I'm not ready. He's pushing me again.

"No."

The winds blows harshly against my face. It picks up Daniel's hair and plays with it. It's mocking me. It's showing me what I could have, what I could be doing. What I should be doing.

What am I doing? He's got me so confused.

Damn you, Daniel.

"Why?"

It's one simple word but it means so much. It holds so much, it could make or break my whole pathetic life.

It's one word he won't let me escape from.

"Because I'm scared," I admit into the blanket of darkness.

Damn you, Daniel.

Why is he doing this tonight?

"You're scared because you're on your own."

I grit my teeth, and blink furiously at the tears that are trying to escape. The truth hurts, striking deep within my fragile body.

Damn you, Daniel.

"Maybe."

"You don't have to be alone, Jack. Let me in."

I press my eyes closed fiercely against a new wave of tears that are threatening. I hate the disgrace of crying, the failure. I won't cry in front of any one, especially not Daniel.

Damn you, Daniel.

And then he's next to, his arms around me. My shaking body welcoming the warmth, but my mind is trying to push him away still.

"Let it go, Jack, I'm here."

I do. Sit here, in the arms of a man that should hate me as I weep like a baby. And this is what he wants?

Damn you, Daniel.

Damn you, Jack.

Why did he wait this long? Why did he try to take it all on himself? Doesn't he see that there are people that care for him? People that want to share his pain, his life.

"It's alright, Jack, it's going to be alright."

I pull him closer to my body and I feel his body tremble. Why did I let him pull away? Why did I let him leave me and take all this on himself? Why did I let him fool me into thinking he was alright?

Damn you, Jack.

"I'm sorry," I murmur into his grey hair, "so sorry."

I feel him lift his head, his tear-streaked face level with mine.

"It's not your fault, Danny."

I close my eyes against my own pain.

Damn you, Jack.

"Come inside, Jack."

I feel him nod, before I carefully stand up. I keep one of his hands and haul him up, watching as he staggers slightly in the dark. One beer, Jack?

Damn you, Jack.

I push at the bedroom window, glad to find its unlocked. I don't think either of us are in any state to attempt that slippery ladder. I climb though, cursing as my knee hits against the wooden pane.

Damn you, Jack.

I keep hold of his cold hand as he enters in behind me, closing the window with a loud thud. I pull him into a hug. I feel him shaking against me, but he isn't crying anymore, just grieving silently.

Damn you, Jack.

Damn you, Daniel.

I feel safer here than I have anywhere else in my life. I feel so safe in Daniel's arms, but exposed too. I'm vulnerable. I wouldn't admit it to anyone else but him. He has so much power over me, I wonder if he realises it.

"I love you, Daniel."

I close my eyes almost fearful in the response.

"I know," I can hear the smile in his voice.

Damn you, Daniel.

I'm smiling despite myself. I lift my head and stare into his blue eyes. He understands me so well. Why did I think I could do any of this without him?

"Just don't shut me out again."

I tighten my hold on the man I love. I don't think I have the strength to ever leave him again. Not now.

Damn you, Daniel.

He's leaning towards me, his eyes holding my captive. He's going to kiss me.

Damn you, Daniel.

I'm trembling before his lips even reach mine, my legs suddenly weak. I haven't felt like this for so long.

Damn you, Daniel.

The feelings are so strong, too strong as they race through my veins, leaving a trail of burning pain. I'm on sensuously overload.

Damn you, Daniel.

His lips touch mine. The lightest touch which conveys so much.

Damn you, Daniel, I love you, Daniel.

My hair tingles where his hands grip them. Holding me to him as he seeks out my lips again. Harder this time.

I love you, Daniel.

I love you, Jack.

I pull and stare intensely into his brown eyes. He's let his guard down, let it down for me.

"Happy new year, Jack."

I don't need to know the time to know that Jack and I have just begun a new chapter in our lives. Hopefully, a long chapter.

"Happy new' year to you too.

I smile. All is good in the world.

And what a damn good world it is!

The Damn Ending
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