His toes tingled, funny, but nothing too unusual and no cause for concern. Daniel wiggled them as he waited for the coffee to brew. He had a busy day ahead; he had to give a presentation to some new recruits to the SGC and then he had promised to look at some translations for SG7's archaeologist. He was due for a briefing with General Hammond after that and then he hoped to get a few hours to try to make some headway with the pile of paperwork on his desk. He sighed and sipped at his orange juice. As he sipped he noticed his lips felt 'funny', he ran his tongue over them and then shrugged, as the aromatic brew he was waiting for was finally ready.
Jack wasn't going into the SGC today. It was technically their day off but as Daniel had been off sick the previous week with a stomach bug he had some catching up to do. Jack had begged him to let it wait, to stay in bed with him. He had promised all sorts of delights to tempt his partner but Daniel had shook his head.
"I have to go Jack," he had said pushing his lover away and getting out of bed.
Now, as he drove towards Cheyenne Mountain, he wished he had stayed in bed with Jack after all. He looked at the gas gauge on his car, low, he pulled into their local gas station and filled the tank.
"Morning Dr. Jackson, how are you today?" the attendant asked as Daniel handed over his credit card.
Daniel told him he was fine and asked about the young man's family. As he signed the charge slip the pen felt a little awkward in his hand. Funny he thought to himself.
Traffic was heavy that morning but Daniel didn't notice, he felt slightly odd. He wondered once more if he had made a mistake in insisting on working today, maybe he wasn't quite over the stomach bug. He tried to put these odd feelings to the back of his mind and concentrate on the day ahead.
As soon as Daniel entered his office he sank down on the chair with relief. He felt tired and weak, nothing specific, just general weakness. He reached for his name badge and struggled with the clip, it just didn't want to go on right. He reached for a pile of papers but suddenly had no interest in them whatsoever. The tingling in his toes had become more persistent and was now in his fingers too. Trying to ignore this Daniel gathered his papers together for his presentation and trudged down the corridor towards the classroom. He was relieved once the presentation was over and, as he struggled back to his office, he could feel sweat breaking out on his forehead. Luckily Sam chose that moment to pop her head around his door. Whatever he looked like it was enough to worry Sam who tried to persuade him to call in to see Janet Fraiser.
"I'm fine really," Daniel protested, "I think it's just that bug I had."
Sam wasn't convinced, he looked awful. She headed back to her own office a put a call through to Janet, the Base Medical Officer. Within minutes she was knocking on Daniel's office door.
It surprised Daniel that he was actually relieved to see Janet standing there. She insisted on a thorough examination, testing his reflexes. Everything seemed to check out as normal, Janet was puzzled. Daniel's feet and fingers still tingled and the weakness was now affecting his walking, added to that was the strange feeling that something wasn't quite right.
"I think you might be dehydrated from that bug you had last week," Janet Fraiser finally suggested. "It may be causing an imbalance in your electrolytes. I want you to go home, rest, drink plenty of Gatorade and eat bananas."
Daniel grimaced, he hated Gatorade.
"I'll do some blood works and ring you with the results tomorrow," she promised.
Sam drove Daniel home, he didn't even protest. He allowed her to help him into the house and flopped on the couch. Jack appeared from the bedroom.
"Daniel?"
"Janet's sent him home sir," Sam explained.
Jack sprang into action. He helped Daniel take off his shoes and then covered him with a blanket and then made him a banana sandwich that he placed, together with a glass of the hated Gatorade, on the coffee table next to the couch.
Daniel slept most of the afternoon, managed to pick at the take-away Jack had sent out for and then the pair watched TV together until Jack, seeing how hard it was for Daniel to stay awake, helped him into bed.
Daniel slept easily in Jack's arms and woke to the sound of the alarm clock the following morning. Sleepily he shuffled into the bathroom for a drink of water. The shock jolted him fully awake. He couldn't swallow!
Daniel stood in front of the closet deciding what to wear while Jack spoke to Janet Fraiser.
"We'll be there within the hour," Jack promised, replacing the receiver.
"I can't decide what to wear?" Daniel said peering into the closet.
"Just put anything on, it doesn't matter," Jack said. He wasn't being harsh but Daniel detected a note of concern in his partner's voice.
By nine o'clock Daniel was safely tucked up in bed in the infirmary with a worried Jack hovering at his side. Nurses and technicians swarmed into the room, his temperature was taken, blood pressure monitored, syringes drew blood and then as suddenly as it had begun it was over and Jack and Daniel were left alone.
Daniel dozed on the bed while Jack kept an anxious watch until Janet Fraiser returned clutching Daniel's file.
"The examination I gave you yesterday checked out fine," Janet explained, "and your blood works are normal."
"So what's wrong with him?" Jack asked anxiously.
"I'm not sure Colonel, I'm calling a Neurologist in from the Academy Hospital, I'm sure he'll be able to give us some answers."
Jack and Daniel sat in silence together. A nurse brought some lunch in for Daniel but he was unable to swallow anything. Jack tried to give him some ice cubes to suck but this didn't work either.
Later that evening Dr. Winkler arrived, after checking Daniel's reflexes, which were good, he did some pinpricking without comment.
"Well he began," addressing Daniel, Jack and Janet together. "At the moment I can only tell you that it could be one of three things." He stopped and took a deep breath, more of a sigh. Daniel was sure everyone in the room could hear his heart pounding. "It could be multiple sclerosis, myasthenia gravis or Guillain-Barre syndrome." He paused again before continuing. "I think we can safely rule out myasthenia gravis at this point. We'll carry out a spinal tap tomorrow and then we'll know for sure."
Tomorrow! The words stung Daniel with alarm.
"I'm sorry, that's about all I can tell you at this point."
Panic was overpowering Daniel but Jack spoke for him, asking calmly about the diseases just mentioned.
Dr Winkler smiled at Jack and then at Daniel. "Let's just wait until we see what we have before worrying," he suggested.
After bidding them goodnight Dr. Winkler left the room with Janet and Jack and Daniel were left staring at the closed door. There were a million and one questions waiting to be answered but none of them seemed important just then.
Jack reached across and clasped Daniel's hand. "It'll be okay Daniel I know it will." Daniel struggled to believe him and to draw some from him the strength that he always gave him.
Janet came quietly back into the room and looked sadly at the two men.
"I'm, afraid we're going to have to move you to the Academy hospital," she explained.
"Move him, why?" Jack asked.
Daniel could hear Janet and Jack talking but the words swirled incoherently. Tell her I have to stay here, at least until after the spinal tap, he silently begged Jack.
Jack came to Daniel's side and spoke softly, gently. "I think you'd better go Daniel."
"No, I don't want to, I want to stay with you."
Jack's voice was barely a whisper. "You have to, Daniel." His eyes looked sad. "You haven't been able to eat or drink all day. You know you're getting weaker, I can't leave you like this. You must go so they can take care of you."
Janet left briefly and returned with a wheelchair. A huge, hard mass formed in the pit of Daniel's stomach as his belongings were quickly gathered up. Suddenly they were on their way, down the long dark corridors of the SGC towards the waiting ambulance.
Jack held the door open a nurse pushed Daniel's wheelchair into the ICU at the hospital. The room was more frightening than Daniel could have imagined. There were eight beds in small partitioned three-sided cubicles. The fourth side of each cubicle opened into the large room where the nursing station was located. Patients wired up to all manner of machinery and bottles occupied most of the beds. Daniel recoiled at the sight and let his gaze drop. He couldn't however block out the wheezing sounds of the respirators. He wanted to run but he wasn't able to walk never mind run. He silently prayed to be gone from this place but instead he was wheeled to a bed with the number 5 printed on the wall above it.
A nurse called Carl welcomed Daniel into the designated cubicle leaving Jack standing helplessly by the nursing station.
"I'll be your nurse for the rest of this shift, I hope you find the bed satisfactory" he said as he helped Daniel onto the bed. According to your chart you may be with us quite a while."
Daniel was too shocked to respond. What was he saying? Horror churned in his stomach. No that couldn't be, it had to be wrong, he couldn't stay here, he had things to do, he couldn't stay in hospital. Not here, not now.
Daniel was still sitting on the side of the bed, battling with his thoughts, when he was handed a hospital gown.
"You'll have to wear a gown in here," Carl said. "You can put it on now if you don't mind."
I do mind, Daniel thought, I mind very much.
Drawing a curtain across the end of the cubicle, Carl walked out towards the nursing station where Jack was waiting. Daniel could hear the nurse telling Jack that he could take all Daniel's belongings home. "He won't need any of them here," he heard him say.
Daniel struggled into the gown and waited. He wondered if this was actually a nightmare but when Carl came back into the cubicle, accompanied by Jack, he knew it wasn't. Jack looked sad and frightened as he grasped his lover's hand, trying to give him courage.
"You'll have to take that ring off," Carl said, pointing to the gold band Jack had given Daniel on their first anniversary of living together as a couple.
"No, please," Daniel begged. "Can't you just put some tape over it?"
"No, it has to go," Carl answered flatly.
Daniel fought tears as he tugged to pull off the ring. His fingers were almost non-functional but anger had made them work. Daniel couldn't look at Jack as he handed him the precious band of gold. As Jack gathered Daniel's possessions together Carl handed him a paper sack to put them in and then asked him to leave.
Daniel was terrified of letting go of Jack. He was security; everything else seemed so abrupt, so unreal. He clung to his hand. They were both trying to be strong but neither was succeeding. Finally Daniel knew he had to let go and he watched as Jack gather up the paper sack. He bend over and kissed Daniel - the way one would do in an airport. This was too public a place for either of them. Jack took a few steps towards the door and then turned back, one last look and he was gone. Utter despair, total abandonment. Everything that mattered in the world was gone with Jack.
Only Carl was still there, plus the wheezing machines and the other pallid patients. Daniel couldn't see them but he could remember only too clearly. A new shift of nurses was coming on duty; Daniel sniffed back more tears.
The wall clock opposite the bed stared back at him its silent message six o'clock. Was it morning or night? Did it matter? Yes it did. It must be morning. Six in the morning was the time for getting up, for things to start happening. Daniel stared around his cubicle, nothing had changed. He was still trapped in this miserable ICU. During the night saliva had started running out of the side of his mouth. As he turned his head slightly it gushed from his mouth, ran down the side of his face and neck and soaked the pillow. Daniel shuddered with revulsion as he tried to swab away the mess with hands that didn't want to work. A night-shift nurse, Mary, came to his bedside and wiped his face. She wrapped his fingers around a fresh wad of tissues and placed his hand next to his mouth. He apologised weakly, it was humiliating. Mary had appeared many times during the long night but had seemed at a loss as to what to do for him. Daniel was sure she would rather he was unconscious then she wouldn't have to talk to him. She wasn't unkind, just remote, used to dealing with comatose patients.
As Daniel lay, waiting for something to happen nurses passed by his cubicle frequently but never stopped or even looked his way. Was he the exclusive property of Mary? She paused at the foot of his bed every once in a while and looked at him.
Daniel checked the clock once more, six thirty; Jack would be here soon. Daniel silently begged his partner to hurry. Fear surged through Daniel once more as he tried to roll over onto his side. His body didn't have the strength, Mary passed the bed again and Daniel summoned up enough courage to ask her for help. She passively turned Daniel and placed a fresh wad of tissue beside his mouth. Daniel thanked her and apologised for the mess, she patted his shoulder and tears coursed a trail to the upper edges of the tissue and were blotted by this effortlessly.
As the new shift arrived voices echoed around the ICU. With one nurse from the night shift the new group made their rounds, standing at the foot of each bed to be familiarised with that patient's condition. When they arrived at Daniel's bed he listened carefully.
"Probably Guillain-Barre," Mary reported with a passiveness that made Daniel feel invisible. "Lumbar puncture scheduled for seven thirty."
Daniel's heart pounded, the spinal tap, he had forgotten all about that and Jack was due to arrive at seven thirty. Daniel wanted to ask questions, lots of questions, but the group had moved on to the next bed. What about me he silently called, what was this Guillain-Barre and when were they going to give him some medicine to cure it?
Very shortly a new nurse, Cathy, came to his bedside rolling a small piece of machinery. "That discharge looks uncomfortable for you," she said sounding sympathetic. She actually looked at Daniel and suddenly he knew he was alive.
"Do you think you can hold this?" She held up a plastic suction apparatus, the kind dentists use. Daniel nodded and her smile was genuine and most welcome. She hooked up the cord to an electrical outlet, turned on the switch and put the tube in his mouth. The swizzling sound was startlingly loud as the gadget evacuated the overflowing cavity. Daniel smiled his gratitude and then she too disappeared.
Finally forever ended and Jack appeared.
"Jack!" Daniel's tears choked off the weakened voice. Jack's faces looked so sad, he was trying to smile but tears were glistening in his brown eyes too. He kissed Daniel and held him for a long moment. Both men struggled for control. Jack reached for a handful of tissues and wiped the tears from Daniel's cheeks and the residue saliva from the sides of his mouth. Daniel felt helpless yet grateful to have someone willing to get some of the mess cleaned up.
Jack chatted for a few minutes, telling Daniel what he had been doing since he left last night. The minutes passed all too quickly and soon Jack told Daniel he had to go. The ICU had rules, only three visits a day - and only fifteen minutes at a time. As weak as he was Daniel clung to Jack and begged him not to leave.
"I have to Daniel, it's the rules and anyway they tell me a longer visit would only tire you."
Dejectedly Daniel let his hand drop.
"I'll be back at eleven thirty, I promise." Daniel heard the sadness in Jack's voice and knew he didn't want to leave anymore than Daniel wanted him to go.
"I love you," he said as he kissed Daniel gently.
"I love you too." Daniel's tears washed away the image of Jack leaving. When Daniel blinked them away Jack was gone, only the clock was still there, seven forty-two, only three hours and forty-eight minutes until he returned.
Dr. Winkler arrived amid a flurry of activity, ready to carry out the spinal tap.
"Now just relax Dr. Winkler said, after wiping Daniel's back with alcohol and pressing his fingers along the spine in search of the proper entry point. There was nothing Daniel could do but relax; he had no strength to resist, even if he wanted to. The needle slid in effortlessly. Daniel decided to ask the doctor about Guillain-Barre but before he could form the words, Dr. Winkler patted Daniel's hip, told him to rest, and then he and the nurses disappeared.
The morning passed. Nurses moved towards and away from his bed. He was turned; pillows were propped against his back to keep him from rolling over. Cathy inserted a catheter. Daniel panicked, did this mean he was losing bladder control - or, more serious, kidney function? Cathy must have realised how apprehensive Daniel seemed.
"Don't worry," she said, "this just means you won't have to worry about elimination. Not much to be concerned about, Daniel wanted to say, seeing as he hadn't eaten or drunk anything for the past thirty-six hours.
As time passed Daniel began to feel more and more helpless. Each time he was turned he assured people he was comfortable, even when he wasn't. He drifted in and out of sleep. Dreams slithered into reality. He was on Abydos with Sha're, walking among the sand dunes together.
"Daniel....Daniel." A faceless white blur was shaking him. "Are you awake Daniel?" Now he could see a nurse's uniform. "It's Cathy and this is Josie." Daniel tried to focus on where he was, where was Sha're?
"We need to hook you up to an IV, you'll feel more comfortable when we get some fluids into you," Josie explained. Daniel tried to smile but he felt as if his lips had been injected with Novocain. The nurses turned him onto his other side and, as Cathy straightened the back pillows, Josie poked the needle into his arm. He could feel it, he was thankful, at least for that. He tried to remember all the questions he wanted to ask but, before he could form the words, Cathy and Josie were gone.
Jack arrived just as the clock marked eleven thirty. Daniel tried to reach up to him but he couldn't. He wanted to tell Jack he loved him, as his lover bent over to kiss him, but his lips didn't want to move. Only guttural sounds emerged from his throat. Again Jack wiped Daniel's cheeks and the sides of his mouth with tissues. The suction tube had fallen from his mouth while he had dozed and he was unable to replace it himself. Ever so gently Jack sopped up the accumulated pool in Daniel's mouth while Daniel fought back the tears. Jack shouldn't have to do this but Daniel was so thankful that he did. Carefully Jack replaced the suction tube in Daniel's mouth and wrapped his fingers around it.
Daniel's eyes never left Jack. There was something there - something dreaded. Jack looked down and seemed to be studying his hands as he prepared to speak.
"It's Guillain-Barre, Daniel." His voice broke as he said Daniel's name. Now he could look at Daniel again, and now he could read the unspoken anxiety, the questions.
"I don't know much about the disease, no one does but Janet will be along later." He paused for a deep sigh. "They say you will get well, but...it may take a while." Another painful pause. "You may have to be here for a few weeks."
A few weeks? The terrifying predicament he was in flashed through his mind. A long horrified no, no, no, escape his worthless lips.
Jack clasped his free hand so hard that it hurt. His head lowered to rest on the joined hands. Daniel could see Jack's anguish and could feel his own fear. Finally Jack straightened up, wiped his eyes and stared past Daniel.
"Dr. Winkler called Janet to tell her the diagnosis, he's only ever seen one other case and that was quite mild. Dr. Winkler assured us that you will be fine eventually." Jack looked down at Daniel to make sure he was listening. "I copied down a piece out of one of Janet's medical books," he paused and reached in his pocket for a piece of paper. "Let's see. It's an inflammation of the nerves, and it usually follows some other infection, like your stomach bug."
So there was a connection Daniel thought as he continued to watch Jack as he read on. "It starts in the legs and moves up rather quickly. Usually it plateaus for a couple of weeks and then everything gradually returns to normal again."
Jack understood when Daniel slurred the words "are you sure?"
Jack nodded "Yes Daniel I'm sure." Jack's words were emphatic; "you are going to get well Daniel."
Daniel wanted to ask more but wasn't sure what to ask. All he could think of was weeks trapped in this living hell. He tried to speak, tried to make Jack understand. All he managed was one heartbroken word 'home.' Jack understood. "You'll be home before you know it Daniel," he promised.
All too soon their time together was over. Jack kissed Daniel tenderly. "I'm sorry, I have to go, I'll be back at five thirty." Another kiss and he was gone leaving Daniel alone with the clock. Eleven forty-eight, another five hours and forty-two minutes until he returned.
The time passed, Daniel's mind wandered to happier times and happier places until he dozed off. His dreams of lying in the sun with Jack on their recent holiday together were constantly interrupted by a stream of nurses. His mouth was suctioned, his face wiped, blood pressure and pulse were taken, the IV bag was changed. Daniel was always pleased when the attending nurse was Cathy; she always chatted while she worked. With her Daniel felt human.
At two-thirty a new shift started wandering in. Daniel could hear them before they were visible. Daniel was frightened; he didn't want Cathy to leave.
"Confirmed Guillain-Barre, make sure he's turned every two hours and monitor respiratory function every hour," the doctor announced before moving on to the next cubicle without even acknowledging Daniel.
Daniel felt panic welling up inside him. Respiratory function? He was breathing just fine wasn't he? Perhaps he was a little weaker, he considered. Okay, he admitted, a great deal weaker, which's why everything was more difficult, even breathing. No, I'm just tired, Daniel decided as the voices drifted away.
Daniel continued to drift aimlessly in his mind until Jack's return. Jack pulled him back to reality. The sight of Jack's pale and anxious face frightened Daniel more than any of the things he had seen and heard in the ICU.
Jack didn't know what to say to Daniel. He sat, holding his lover's hand and stroking his fingers through Daniel's short hair. Daniel wanted to ask him lots of questions but his mouth and lips wouldn't obey his mind anymore. He was trapped in a useless body with no means of communication other than guttural mumbling. Luckily Jack seemed to understand him; he wiped his face, re-positioned his pillows and promised him that Janet Fraiser would be along shortly.
Tears filled Daniel's eyes once more. He took a shaky breath and tried not to cry. It was embarrassing to have to let Jack dry the tears, and wipe his nose for him. He squeezed Jack's hand weakly. He wanted to let him know that he was okay, that it was alright for Jack to leave him here.
All too soon the clock told Daniel that it was time for Jack to leave. Fourteen hours before he would be allowed back in. Daniel wasn't sure he would survive another fourteen hours but he tried to smile bravely. Obviously it didn't work as Jack's anguished face swam into view as he bent to kiss Daniel.
Once Jack had left a team of nurses descended, pulling a cart loaded with equipment. They closed the cubicle curtain behind them and, as they opened packages and rearranged tubes and hoses, they chatted to Daniel. Asking him questions about Jack which required only 'Yes' or 'No' answers.
Daniel wanted to ask they why they were here, what they were planning on doing to him. Then came the news that he was to be hooked up to a respirator. They were going to carry out a tracheotomy and put a tube up his nose and down into his stomach so they could feed him. It had come to this and Daniel was too exhausted to care any more.
Daniel's eyes focussed on the clock. Nine-fifteen, he must have slept but what a cruel disappointment to wake. The sound of the respirator reminded Daniel that he was now just like all the other poor souls he'd seen lying in the other beds. His neck was limp and his head rolled to one side. That one slight, involuntary movement dumped an ocean of saliva down his cheek. He tried to call for a nurse, no sound came out.
Daniel was terrified now; he didn't know what was happening. At least Jack had promised him that he wasn't dying and that he would get well. Daniel clung to that one thought. He was all alone, trapped in this cubicle, surrounded by machines and tubes and he couldn't even call for help.
Suddenly Janet Fraiser appeared at the foot of the bed. Daniel wondered if he was dreaming but there wouldn't have been tears in Janet's eyes his dreams. Daniel was so frightened that he couldn't distinguish what was real from what was only in his dreams but, when Janet held his hand, Daniel knew for sure, this was real.
Janet grabbed a handful of tissues and wiped Daniel's face and then cleaned out his mouth. Her voice was tender and gentle as she explained the nature of the disease to Daniel and what would be happening to him. "Is the tube very uncomfortable?" she asked. Daniel tried to respond. There was no voice, and his mouth wouldn't move, except for a small twitch to one side. No movement of his head, his hands or any other part of his body.
"Can you nod your answer Daniel?" Janet asked.
I'm trying, I'm trying, he shrieked silently. His eyes widened in terror and frustration. Janet read the look.
"It's alright Daniel, it's alright," she thought for a moment. "You're blinking your eyes. Can you blink just once if you're able to control the movement of your eyelids?"
Daniel forced himself to be calm. Then one slow, deliberate blink. Janet smiled. "Good, now your mouth seems to twitch to one side. Try to move it, and then blink once - yes - if you can control that too." With effort Daniel moved his mouth and then blinked. "Great! The mouth can indicate no and the blink for yes. Now....is the tube down your throat very uncomfortable?"
No, Daniel signalled. Janet smiled, obviously pleased and clasped his hand. Then followed a string of questions, mostly insignificant, but designed to show Daniel that communication was possible. But Daniel had questions too and he couldn't ask them. What if he lost control of his mouth, and his eyelids, what else might stop working?
Though Janet couldn't see it Daniel smiled at her as she left and blew a kiss with his motionless lips and useless hand. Daniel felt better, safer. Now he knew Jack had told him the truth, he would make it.
Although Daniel tried to resign himself to his pitiful state he couldn't help feeling scared at his total loss of control over even his most basic functions. The nurses were kind enough, in their own way, but they didn't know him as a person, they were just doing their job. Daniel longed for someone who actually cared about him to look after him and, as if by magic, the next morning Janet Fraiser appeared at the foot of his bed with a nurse from the SGC infirmary. Mandy had cared for Daniel on a number of occasions in the past and Daniel was relieved to see her.
"Hi Daniel, I thought you might feel better if you had someone you knew to take care of you," Janet said smiling.
Daniel blinked once - yes!
Mandy stepped forward and took Daniel's hand. "I'm going to meet with your nursing team to do the hand-over and then I'll be right back Dr. Jackson," Mandy promised, "Is that okay with you?"
Daniel blinked again - yes! He smiled to himself, things were looking up, okay he was still totally trapped in his body but now he had a nurse he knew and Jack would be here soon.
Janet bent over and kissed his forehead. "I'll be back later Daniel."
When Mandy returned she busied herself checking the machines, tubes and wires that surrounded Daniel, all the time chatting to him about the latest SGC gossip. Occasionally she checked whether he was comfortable or whether something was hurting him and Daniel was relieved to be able to answer yes or no.
A cool steady hand rested gently on his hot forehead. "You feel hot Dr. Jackson do you want me to take some blankets off?" Mandy asked. Daniel blinked once and immediately the offending blanket was whisked away and Daniel felt blessed cooling of his immobile body. He caught Mandy's eye, he wanted to thank her but had no way of doing so and he wanted her to stop calling him Dr. Jackson and call him Daniel, but he had no way of communicating this to her....unless.... He twitched his mouth and Mandy immediately reacted.
"No - I'm sorry Dr. Jackson, I don't understand."
Daniel tried again.
"Is something wrong Dr. Jackson?"
Again the twitch - no.
Finally Mandy understood, she smiled. "You don't want me to call you Dr. Jackson?"
No!
"Okay then, Daniel."
Yes! It was difficult, it was frustrating, but it was communication even if it was at the most basic level and Daniel, whose whole life had been dedicated to communicating in different languages and with different cultures was proud of himself.
Daniel was tired, he couldn't understand why he kept falling asleep, he wasn't doing anything to make him tired, apart from blinking his eyes and twitching his mouth and yet he spent a lot of his time dozing.
He sensed someone standing at the foot of his bed and opened his eyes to see a man in a blue T-shirt with the broadest, friendliest smile Daniel had seen since he had been here.
"Hi Daniel, I'm Charlie your physical therapist, I'll be in twice a day to run through some exercises with you."
Daniel was puzzled, what sort of exercises could he possibly do. Charlie obviously understood this and continued.
"We'll just be working on your circulation, to make you more comfortable," Charlie explained, "and then, once you're a little better we'll take you to the physical therapy room to work on regaining your strength, okay?"
Daniel blinked - yes! His heart soared at Charlie's words. At last someone was talking about him improving, about exercising, about moving out of this hated cubicle. At last he had something, other than Jack's frequent visits, to look forward to. Tomorrow he would start on the long road to recovery.
Mandy had finished her morning tasks by the time Charlie arrived. Jack had already left. They had established a routine over the few days Daniel had been in the ICU. Jack would arrive just as the night shift finished their rounds. Daniel would have been woken up, turned, and given a perfunctory wash. Jack would arrive and sit with Daniel until Mandy came on duty and then he would leave his partner in her capable hands. Mandy would change his catheter, administer the necessary medications, give him his breakfast via the feeding tube and then bath and change Daniel and get him positioned comfortably before clearing up and writing her report.
"Okay ready to do some work?" Charlie asked smiling down at Daniel. Daniel blinked - yes.
Charlie took Daniel limbs through a workout of gentle massage and manipulation. He kept checking that he wasn't causing Daniel any pain but Daniel was enjoying the sensation of blood still circulating through his immobile limbs.
"That's enough for now," Charlie said replacing the sheet over Daniel. "I'll be back later this afternoon."
During the afternoon session Charlie and Mandy talked together as Charlie worked on Daniel. They decided that Daniel needed an air mattress. He wasn't sure what they were talking about, he was aware he was lying on a foam rubber pad but he knew that he was being turned often because the nurses were concerned about the possibility of him getting bedsores.
Mandy went off to see what she could do and finally located one. She hauled it into Daniel's cubicle and then, with the help of Charlie and Jack, who arrived just in time, they moved Daniel onto it.
Daniel didn't think it would be such a Herculean task but, as they couldn't take Daniel out of the bed because of all the tubes and wires he was hooked up to, the mattress had to be inserted under him.
They lifted Daniel by the sheet and he rolled helplessly from one side to the other.
"Hang in there, Daniel," Mandy said, "we'll be through in a couple of minutes."
It was a terrifying experience. Daniel's head was going in all directions but he hung on and mentally celebrated with them when they had finally finished. Mandy turned on the compressor that would keep the mattress inflated and the air moved Daniel's body up and down in something similar to a breathing pattern. He felt fantastic, it shifted the pressure, relieving some of the soreness and Daniel was grateful to them all for struggling.
Time passed and days merged together. Daniel was never sure what day it was but he kept a close eye on the clock. He measured time by Jack's visits. Other people came and went but it was Jack he waited for. Jack was the only one who seemed able to keep Daniel grounded, to reassure him that it was going to be okay eventually. Sam came and sat with him often, she read to him and they even tried a game of chess with Daniel blinking and twitching to indicate his moves but this was very tiring for him and he actually preferred to doze with Sam's voice soothing him as she read.
Teal'c, never one to be accused of chattering often kept vigil at Daniel's side. He quickly learned from Charlie how to massage Daniel's limbs and took great pleasure in being able to carry out this small task for his friend. At first Daniel was embarrassed by the huge Jaffa doing this but he obviously had a skill and Daniel appreciated his ministrations. Other people from the SGC came but most found it uncomfortable to be with Daniel. He had to admit it must be difficult to hold a conversation with someone who couldn't respond. Janet came daily both in her professional capacity and as a friend. Occasionally she brought Cassie with her and Daniel was grateful for this teenager who chatted non-stop to him, never making him feel like a freak.
Jack was looking tired and Daniel hated himself for being the cause of this. Jack came every morning, then again at lunchtime and again in the evening. At the end of every visit he had to be dragged away by the one of the nurses. Daniel wanted to be able to tell Jack to get some rest, not to visit so often, to take care of himself but all he could do was blink and twitch in response to Jack's questions. He wanted to tell Jack how much he cherished the evenings when the nurses, having finished their duties, left Jack and Daniel alone. The pair would hold hands and Jack would talk quietly to Daniel, telling him over and over again how much he loved him, what they would do together once Daniel came home. These moments together kept Daniel going through the horrors of the eternal days in the ICU.
Since the beginning of his illness Daniel had recurring dreams that parts of his body could move. Then he would wake up to the shattering reality. But one day his head actually moved a little. It was conscious movement, not a lot but it was movement. As he lay in bed he tested every muscle in his body, over and over, day after day, he was so startled with this sudden head movement, it was so exciting to have a response. When Charlie arrived to do his therapy Daniel proudly showed off his new skill.
"Wonderful," Charlie exclaimed, "Do it again." Daniel obliged. Each time he did it his head wobbled from one side to the other, rolling to a stop.
"I know what you need," Charlie exclaimed, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He returned with a long cylindrical pillow. When this was in place it felt wonderful, Daniel's head no longer wobbled or rolled to the side. "There isn't that better?"
Daniel blinked - yes, what a great day.
Daniel couldn't wait to show Jack when he arrived and the look on Jack's face was worth all the effort. Janet arrived a little while later and Daniel demonstrated his new trick once more.
"That's wonderful, Daniel, it looks as if you're on the mend," Janet said smiling at the two men. It was the news they had been waiting and praying for for the past month. Janet went on to explain how the myelin sheath grows back at a rate of an inch per month. Jack looked despondent; it could take months before Daniel was up and about again.
"Some return quicker than others," she explained to the pair. "You're coming back Daniel," she promised.
The next sign of improvement was in Daniel's breathing. More frequently the therapists were seeing some indication that his lungs were beginning to work. As they increased their ability to assist the respirator the therapists began changing the setting on the machine for brief periods to make the lungs work harder. This new setting, which they referred to as IMV, was very frightening for Daniel. On this new setting the machine seemed to pause, trying to force him to breathe. Daniel didn't have much control over his lungs and, if he didn't breathe efficiently for a certain number of seconds, the machine would supply him with another few breaths before pausing again. It seemed like an eternity to Daniel and it was exhausting to struggle with the irregular pattern of breathing.
The first time off the respirator was a red-letter day for Jack and Daniel. Mandy and Janet Fraiser switched off the machine and hooked a plastic tube to the oxygen outlet on the wall. Daniel couldn't feel anything happening. "You're doing fine Daniel," Janet encouraged him. "Keep on, think breathing." Daniel tried to imagine taking a breath but felt nothing. "Look," Mandy said, "He's taking some." It seemed like forever but eventually Mandy changed the connection and they both smiled at Daniel. "You did it Daniel, you breathed on your own for two minutes," Janet informed him happily. Jack hugged Daniel, tears in his brown eyes and for a brief moment their closeness allowed them to escape the horrors of their situation.
Gradually the time was increased until the day when the respiratory was disconnected and the tracheotomy tube removed. Now Daniel could speak again. His voice was weak but he saved his newest skill until Jack arrived and, to his partner's astonishment and delight, he whispered "I love you Jack."
Now Daniel could be propped up in bed for longer periods he took an interest in the occupants of the other beds in the ICU. Lucky for these people they never stayed long. An unfortunate few didn't make it but the majority of patients stayed for a few days and were then wheeled away to another part of the hospital.
Finally the day came when Daniel was put in a wheelchair. Charlie explained that he needed to get used to being in a more upright position to help him regain his balance and his strength. The chair had a footrest and many elevation positions so that Daniel could be stretched out nearly horizontal, so that he could rest, or pulled back to various angles of straightness, almost like a lawn chair. Daniel was both excited and frightened as Charlie and Mandy lifted him out of bed and into the waiting chair. Another nurse carefully checked and secured all the tubes and connections until Daniel was finally settled on one pillow, with another behind his head. Charlie then proceeded to strap Daniel into place with a pair of seatbelts. Daniel's limp body felt scarily insecure, he was sure he would fall over. He lasted thirty minutes with Charlie and Mandy staying by his side. They were surprised he wasn't dizzy. They explained that most patients who have been lying prone for a long period find it difficult to adjust to sitting upright. As they lifted Daniel back into bed they promised he could try a little longer the following day.
Each day Daniel's time in the chair was longer. He enjoyed being up and out of bed but found it uncomfortable to be strapped into a chair unable to shift his position at all. He still wasn't allowed out of the ICU while he was attached to the feeding tube but eventually the day came when Dr. Winkler decided Daniel probably had enough muscle power to learn to swallow again. With a sly smile he whipped out the tube before Daniel even had time to register what was happening. "Ice chips first I think," he said to Mandy who dashed off to get some.
Once again Daniel surprised Jack when he came for his evening visit. Jack had been pleased to see Daniel sitting in his chair for longer and longer periods even though he knew it was sometimes uncomfortable for his partner. Now, with the nasal tube removed, Daniel looked more like his old self. Jack patiently helped Daniel ingest the small chips of ice. He was thrilled that Daniel was able to manage this without choking but Janet Fraiser had warned them that if Daniel didn't manage to progress to something more nourishing then the tube would have to be replaced. She had ordered some vitamin drops to be administered with whatever liquids Daniel could manage. He had lost a lot of weight over the past few weeks and Janet and Jack both knew he needed building up if he were ever to recover fully.
Now every morning Daniel awoke with new hope. Hope that he would have regained a little more movement somewhere in his body, hope that he would be able to eat enough. One morning one of his hopes was fulfilled when Mandy and Josie arrived smiling at his bedside.
"What's wrong?" Daniel whispered.
"Bath time Daniel," they said as Mandy grabbed hold of his chair while Josie collected his wash bag.
Daniel had a great time, any fears he once had about people seeing him naked had long since vanished into the ether of the ICU. He had been probed, prodded and manhandled for so long now that his body didn't even seem to belong to him anymore. He allowed Mandy and Josie to fasten the canvas of the hoist around him and lower him gently into the warm water. It was bliss. While Josie held him safely, Mandy washed him gently. All too soon he was dried, dressed and back in bed, tired but happy. Yet another step towards recovery had been taken.
Daniel's biggest hope was for the moment that he could leave the ICU. He pestered Dr. Winkler and Janet every time he saw them but until his breathing was stronger they were loath to move him away from the life support machines in the ICU.
Daniel was sitting in his chair watching the movement around the nursing station in the ICU. He kept glancing up at the clock on the wall; the clock that had been his constant companion since he arrived in this cubicle nearly eight weeks ago. Sam had brought him some archaeology journals and he had one of them open on his knees. He was trying to read an article on some new excavations in Greece but as he was unable to turn the pages for himself he had to wait until a willing nurse passed by to turn them for him. Suddenly the door of the ICU banged open and Jack O'Neill strode in. Daniel looked up at the clock in surprise; he wasn't due for a visit from Jack for another three hours at least.
"Jack?" Daniel whispered as Jack bent to kiss his partner fully on the lips. Over the past couple of months it had become common knowledge within the ICU that Jack and Daniel were partners. No one had a problem with this except the pair themselves who had confined themselves to chaste kisses and hand holding since Daniel's admission.
Daniel was surprised at this sudden show of affection. He looked in puzzlement at his partner. Jack merely smiled and turned his head towards the door he had just entered and Daniel followed his gaze.
Dr. Winkler and Janet Fraiser came and stood next to Daniel's chair. He held his breath, was this it? Was this the moment he had been waiting for?
"Daniel, after consultation with Dr. Fraiser here, I've decided you're well enough to be released back into her care at the SGC Infirmary," the doctor said smiling broadly at Daniel's expression.
"Cat got your tongue Danny?" Jack asked in amusement as Daniel just gawked at the trio surrounding him.
"Really?" was all Daniel could manage as he watched bemused as Jack packed his belongings into a bag while Mandy collected all the medication he would require.
"We've an ambulance waiting outside," Janet told him "if you're ready to go."
Daniel nodded, his eyes brimming with tears. He allowed Jack to push him out of the cubicle for the very first time since he had been admitted. He took a last look behind him at bed number 5, his bed, as the doors of the ICU were opened and he was wheeled away.
"This is going to be your room," Janet announced, stepping aside and allowing Jack to push Daniel's wheelchair through the door. A private room within the SGC infirmary had been allocated to Daniel and Sam and Janet had spent a couple of days making it more homely before Daniel was discharged from the hospital.
There was a hospital bed but with a new, colourful quilt, a TV, some plants and, best of all, there was a large couch where Jack could sleep if he wanted to. Mandy followed her patient into the room carrying bags of equipment and she gazed around admiringly.
"This is really nice isn't it Daniel," she said smiling at her patient.
"It's just great," Daniel said quietly. He hardly dare believe he was here, out of that horrible, impersonal ICU. Here, among his friends and colleagues and best of all, with Jack able to stay with him for as long as he liked.
"Let's get you into bed," Janet suggested knowing how exhausted Daniel must be after the excitement of the journey. Between them Mandy and Jack soon had Daniel comfortably settled in bed. His blue eyes were already drifting shut as Janet and Mandy tiptoed out of the room, leaving Jack in sole charge of his partner. "Hey sleepyhead," Jack teased as Daniel's eyes fluttered open a couple of hours later.
Daniel gazed around in surprise, "Not a dream then?" he whispered.
"Well if it was I'm your fairy godmother," Jack joked as he kissed Daniel tenderly.
Daniel sighed happily. Jack reached for the buzzer. "Let me get Mandy in here and then we can get you turned, okay?" Daniel nodded smiling at Jack. Once turned and comfortable Mandy left the two men alone again.
"For the first time since this happened I really feel it could be okay," Daniel admitted quietly. Jack swallowed back the lump in his throat. For weeks he had been telling Daniel over and over again that it was going to be okay but now, for the first time, he realised that Daniel hadn't really believed him.
"It is Danny, it is," Jack said, his brown eyes brimming with unshed tears. Daniel nodded mutely. This time he did believe it.
Daniel improved with each passing day in the friendly caring atmosphere of the infirmary. His breathing improved gradually until the nasal cannula could be dispensed with. His swallowing mechanism improved so that liquids could be replaced with baby foods and then normal food that Mandy liquidised. A big breakthrough for Jack and Daniel was when Janet decided it was time to remove the Foley catheter.
Gerry, one of the therapists at the SGC worked with Daniel on a daily basis working all the muscles that had atrophied over the past few weeks. Of all the therapy the work on his hands was the hardest and the most painful. Gradually Daniel progressed from not being able to hold his head up at all to, lifting it a couple of inches until, finally the head rest and pillows were dispensed with and Daniel could look around happily. The therapists hoisted him into a standing position every day and worked with him at moving his legs. They devised an exercise where they strapped a kind of saddlebag holding weights, onto Daniel's legs. Gerry informed Jack that a normal person should be able to lift ten pounds. Daniel struggled with two pounds at first but gradually improved although the quadriceps muscles on the front of his right thigh were slower to respond.
Another milestone was the day the therapists lifted Daniel onto the mat in the gym and taught him to roll over.
"How the hell can I, I can't even turn over in bed," Daniel complained. "Go in try it," Gerry said, giving Daniel a push. Daniel thrashed out an arm to maintain the momentum and, when he managed to flop over, he crumpled in exhaustion.
"Go on Daniel, keep going."
"I can't, I have to rest," Daniel protested.
"You can rest later," Gerry said, pushing again.
For several days this torture continued until Daniel was covered in scrapes and bruises at every pressure point but he could roll over himself.
Once Daniel had regained some grip in his hands the therapists were ready to get him walking. Two therapists steadied Daniel upright and then placed his hands on the sides of a walker. Daniel was petrified.
"Come on start moving," they urged.
Daniel flashed them a doubtful look, he was wobbling and his fingers wouldn't curl around the support bar so that he could grasp it. Gerry wound some elastic bandage around the support bar so that he would have a better grip and then urged Daniel to get moving.
Daniel picked up the walker and took a step, then another and, in spite of his shakiness, a third and then exhilaration forced a fourth step. He was walking; he was really walking, if only Jack was here.
Jack was there; unknown to Daniel, Jack was always there, watching his partner struggle daily in the gym. He had watched with clenched fists and furrowed brow as Daniel had struggled to sit up alone, to stand, to roll over and now to actually take some steps. Jack had suffered mentally with Daniel every day but he had never let Daniel know. He always expressed surprise and delight when Daniel demonstrated every new skill, however small; knowing full well how much effort it had cost.
As Daniel became more competent with the walker Jack, or Sam or Teal'c were always happy to accompany him as he shuffled the corridors of the SGC gradually building up his strength until the day when Janet Fraiser stopped Daniel and Jack in their slow progress to the canteen.
"Daniel, Jack, glad to find you both, I have some news," Janet said as she approached the pair.
Daniel paused, happy to rest for a moment.
"What sort of news?" Jack asked curiously.
"Going home news," Janet smiled at the two men.
"Home?" Daniel queried.
"Yes home, as in get out of here, discharged, never darken my doors again sort of news," Janet said, her eyes twinkling.
Afterwards Janet wished she had taken a photograph of the two men's faces when the news finally sank in. If all her patients looked as pleased as these two did to be released she wondered how awful her infirmary actually was.
It took a couple of days for all the arrangements to be made. Janet took Jack on one side and impressed upon him that he mustn't treat Daniel like an invalid, that he must be allowed to do everything he wanted, within moderation and all Jack had to do was keep an eye on him and make sure he ate properly and rested enough. Jack nodded happily, he would agree to anything so long as he could finally drive down the mountain with Daniel in the passenger seat, heading home.
Janet insisted that Daniel use a wheelchair to get up to the surface and out to Jack's Avalanche. It was slow progress, so many people wanted to wish the pair well but eventually the doors opened and Daniel got his first breath of fresh air for 12 weeks. He inhaled deeply and lifted his pale face to the sun.
"Plenty more of that at home," Jack promised as he pushed Daniel's chair towards the car.
By the time they had got home and Jack had helped Daniel inside and then unloaded all the paraphernalia the sun was setting. Jack wanted Daniel to go straight to bed but, stubborn as ever, Daniel insisted on sitting on the porch and watching the sun set.
"I really wish we could go up on the roof," Daniel admitted as the pair sat together.
"Soon, you'll be able to," Jack said, reaching over and squeezing Daniel's hand. Daniel turned to his partner.
"Do you think I'll ever be the same again," he asked quietly.
Jack considered his answer carefully. "Physically, probably, mentally, never," Jack said watching Daniel's response.
Daniel merely nodded "I guess you're right," he said.
It took a long time but almost a year later Daniel looked back and was surprised by his progress. It had been a long, painful struggle. At first he had been unable to walk without crutches, unable to dress himself or manage his personal hygiene without help from Jack. Now he felt ready to gain control over his life. He didn't want to push Jack away but he wanted their partnership to be a two-way one, not patient and carer. He had pushed Jack to go back to work at the SGC and leave him at home occasionally. He managed to get around the house, holding onto the furniture and even managed the laundry himself even though his balance was still a little off until eventually Janet Fraiser pronounced him fit to return to work at the SGC. He was pleased, although he doubted he would ever be fit to go off world again, he soon settled back into the routine of life within Cheyenne Mountain.
"I thought we could invite a few friends over tomorrow and have a barbecue," Jack suggested one summer evening as the pair were driving home together.
"Any particular reason?" Daniel asked curiously.
"Nah, just feel like incinerating some cow," Jack said casually.
"Okay with me," Daniel said, happy to go along with whatever Jack suggested.
It was a lovely day, the sun shone brightly and Jack was in his element cooking in the garden. Sam had insisted on bringing the salads and Teal'c had donated his favourite pastries. Janet and Cassie were there as was General Hammond and some other members of the SGC, including Daniel's nurse, Mandy and the therapists from the gym.
As the sun set Jack winked at Sam, she nodded and disappeared into the house. Daniel was sitting in a wicker chair talking to Cassie about her forthcoming trip to Europe and didn't notice a thing until Jack suddenly banged on the wooden table and asked for everyone's attention.
Daniel looked up in surprise, what the hell was Jack up to now?
"Friends and colleagues," he said. "My partner and I have invited you here to celebrate a very special occasion." He paused and looked at Daniel's astonished face.
Daniel thought quickly. Had he missed a birthday or an anniversary of something, he didn't think so. Jack continued...
"It is exactly one year to the day that Daniel was taken into hospital."
"Well that's nothing to celebrate," Daniel muttered to himself.
"Exactly one year to the day that this gold ring was taken off Daniel's finger and handed back to me."
Daniel's heart thudded as Jack approached him. He stood up shakily gazing into the sparkling brown eyes of his partner.
"I think it is now time to put that ring back where it belongs," Jack said reaching for Daniel's trembling hand.
"We've been to hell and back this past year but now, here with all our friends, I want to propose a toast." Jack raised his glass of champagne and indicated that everyone should do the same.
"To Dr. Daniel Jackson." He turned to Daniel.
"You've been on some strange journeys over the past few years but this last year was one of the strangest and hardest. You survived, you did what you always do Daniel, you struggled through, you never gave up and you came through just fine, I'm proud of you."
Daniel smiled at Jack through his tears. His legs were trembling and he would have fallen down if Jack hadn't held on to him. He allowed Jack to place the precious band of gold back on his finger and then the two men kissed while everyone clapped and cheered.
"You're back Daniel," Jack whispered. "Back where you belong."
Finis
| Category: | Jack/Daniel |
| Genres: | Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort |
| Rated: | Pre-Teen |
| Warnings: | None |
| Series: | None |
| Summary: | Daniel fights his way back from the effects of a debilitating disease. |
Author's Chapter Notes:
This is a disability fic involving Daniel.