SIR, HERE ARE MY COMMENTS ABOUT THIS MEMO. MACKENZY SURE SLANTED IT TO MAKE US LOOK WACKO!
Subject: Psych evaluation, 3/14/1996
All of the subjects were on time for the meeting except Dr. Jackson, who came in five minutes late. It was clear from his face that Dr. Jackson was not an enthusiastic participant of this evaluation. His demeanor was sullen, lower lip out in a distinct pout, eyes narrowed in open hostility as he looked at me. He still hasn't forgiven me for the treatment I prescribed when he was infected with the Machello bug.
NOTICE HOW CLOSELY HE OBSERVED DANIEL'S FACE? I THINK HE HAS A CLOSET CRUSH ON OUR ARCHEOLOGIST... NO, DON'T GO KILL HIM, COLONEL. JUST GLOAT WHEN YOU'RE WITH DANIEL THE NEXT TIME.
Mac: First question: Colonel O'Neill, I understand you had to leave Daniel behind on Klorel's mothership. Tell me how you felt about that?
O'Neill: How do you think I felt, Mackenzy? I was leaving one of my team behind. For crying out loud, I was leaving Daniel behind to die!
Mac: I sense some hostility in your demeanor. Is it towards me, or towards Daniel for getting hurt and having to be left behind?
CAN YOU BELIEVE HE ACTUALLY INSINUATED THAT YOU WERE MAD THAT DANIEL GOT HURT AND MADE YOU LEAVE HIM BEHIND? UGH, COLONEL, YOU *WEREN'T* MAD BECAUSE DANIEL GOT HIMSELF SHOT, WERE YOU? NAAAAH. SORRY.
O'Neill: You, definitely, MacKenzy. I hate shrinks! This is a frigging waste of time. You have some nerve, trying to put words in my mouth. You never risk your frigging life going through that ring!
JANET TOLD ME ONCE THAT MACKENZY WENT OVER TO ALPHA SITE WITH THE REST OF THE MEDICAL STAFF FOR A TRIAGE EXERCISE ONCE, AND I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING AT HER DESCRIPTION. HE PUKED AFTER LEAVING THE WORMHOLE. HE CUT HIS HAND ON A TREE BRANCH HE WAS MOVING OUT OF HIS WAY AND INSISTED ON GOING HOME BECAUSE OF IT. JAN SAID IT WAS THE SIZE OF A PAPER CUT. SHE ALSO SAID HE MOANED LIKE A SISSY WHEN HE SAW A COUPLE DROPS OF BLOOD. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN JANET'S LIP CURL UP IN DISGUST WHEN SHE TOLD ME. I DON'T THINK SHE LIKES MACKENZY MUCH. IN FACT, SIR, I DON'T THINK ANYONE LIKES HIM MUCH. WONDER HOW HE MANAGED TO COVER HIS DISGUSTEDNESS LONG ENOUGH TO GET A WOMAN TO MARRY HIM? AND HIS WIFE IS SO NICE. BUT SHE DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TASTE, POOR THING.
Mac: No I don't. I just deal with the aftermath of the trip. This evaluation has been ordered by the SGC's Chief Medical Officer. Do you feel hostile to her as well?
O'Neill: Nah, the Doc scares me too much to get mad at her.
AT LEAST YOU'VE GOT SOME SENSE OF SELF-PRESERVATION. JANET SCARES EVEN ME, AND SHE AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER THREE YEARS.
Mac: I see. I gather I don't scare you, so you feel free to be angry at me for doing what is required by the Air Force? Not to mention disrespectful...
WHINY SISSY. "YOU'RE SO DISRESPECTFUL, WAAAAHHHH!"
Jackson: What Jack is trying to say, Dr. MacKenzy, is that he...
Mac: I asked Colonel O'Neill, Dr. Jackson. Please let him answer.
I ALMOST TOOK ONE OF HIS FUCKING PENCILS AND SHOVED HIM UP HIS NOSE WHEN HE SAID THIS TO DANIEL. IT STILL MAKES ME MAD.
Teal'c: Do not annoy DanielJackson, DoctorShrink, by not allowing him to speak for us. This is what he does. YOU GO, TEAL'C!
Mac: On a planet with alien cultures, that is his duty. Here in this room, however, he is just another member of SG-1. I can't have Dr. Jackson speaking for the Colonel or any of you. I need to know your true feelings on the things I ask.
WHAT WOULD THIS JERK KNOW ABOUT BEHAVIOR ON ALIEN PLANETS? HIS DICK GETTING ANY ACTION IS AN ALIEN ENOUGH BEHAVIOR FOR HIM, AND MORE THAN HE CAN HANDLE.
I WAS SITTING NEXT TO HIM. WHAT HE REALLY SAID WAS THAT HE WAS GOING TO SHRED MACKENZY INTO STRIPS AND FEED THEM TO A KAR'SHAK. I'LL HAVE TO ASK DANIEL WHAT A KAR'SHAK IS. MAYBE I'LL GET ONE FROM CHULAK AND BRING IT HOME TO BE MACKENZY'S PET.
Mac: Did you just growl at me, Mr. Teal'c?
DUH, AIR FORCE'S FINEST, ALL RIGHT.
Jackson: Teal'c's just responding to the strong feelings....
Mac: I asked Mr. Teal'c the question, not you, Dr. Jackson.
I ALMOST JUMPED HIM HERE TOO. DANIEL IS JUST TRYING TO MAKE THE ASSHOLE FEEL LESS THREATENED.
Teal'c: Yes. I do not like you, DoctorShrink, and I do not like your disrespectful questioning of us regarding our feelings. We are warriors, and warriors do not show weakness in front of the enemy.
I HAD TO BITE MY TONGUE NOT TO LAUGH HERE, SIR. DID YOU SEE THE BLOOD ON MY LIPS? DOCTORSHRINK IS GREAT. I'M GLAD YOU TAUGHT IT TO TEAL'C.
Mac: I see. You see me as your enemy, Mr. Teal'c?
NO, HE THINKS YOU'RE HIS HEART'S DESIRE, IDIOT.
Carter: It isn't MR. Teal'c. It is just Teal'c, or Master Teal'c.
THAT ASSHOLE IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO USES THE MR ANYMORE. HE DOES IT JUST TO PISS US OFF.
O'Neill: Really, MacKenzy, you've been here since the inception of the SGC, and you still don't know Teal'c's proper address. Ya slow or something?
YOU GOT HIM GOOD THERE, SIR. TOO BAD HE'S TOO DUMB TO GET THE INSULT.
Mac: Okay, Teal'c, do you see me as your enemy?
Teal'c: If you were my true enemy, DoctorShrink, you would be no longer living. However, I will not forget the torture you put DanielJackson through when Machello's weapon was inside him. On Chulak, we kill such that would dare lay hands on the revered person of one like DanielJackson.
TEAL'C AND ME, BOTH. HELL, HALF THE SGC WOULD BE LINING UP FOR A "BEAN THE SHRINK" GAME.
Mac: You are not on Chulak, M... erh, Teal'c. You are in a facility run by the United States Air Force. Here we don't kill people for doing their duties, however unpleasant they may be to carry out.
O'Neill: UNPLEASANT TO CARRY OUT! You misdiagnosed Daniel, pumped him full of drugs, put him in restraints, put him in a white padded room, and gawped at him like he was an animal in the zoo. What I used to do for my country was damned unpleasant to do. What you do here is butchery and torture in the guise of medical science, MacKenzy.
GOT HIM AGAIN, SIR! WOOHOO!
Mac: I suspected you were feeling hostile towards my office, Colonel O'Neill. Thank you for sharing these feelings.
TOLD YOU HE WAS AN IDIOT. HE ONLY SUSPECTED, WHEN EVERY TIME YOU SEE HIM, YOU PRETEND TO PICK YOUR NAILS WITH YOUR FIELD KNIFE. EVERYONE ELSE IN THE SGC KNOWS YOU WOULD JUST LOVE TO PLAY "STICK THE PRICK" WITH THE GOOD DOCTOR.
O'Neill: (incomprehensible muttering)
I UNDERSTOOD WHAT YOU SAID, SIR. CAN CAMELS REALLY DO THAT TO A PERSON? WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT NEAT CURSE? TEACH IT TO ME LATER.
Mac: Speak up, Colonel, I can't hear what you are saying.
DEAF AS WELL AS STUPID.
Jackson: He's speaking in Arabic, MacKenzy, which he learned doing some of those damned unpleasant things for the Air Force. Trust me, you don't what to know what he said.
REAL TONGUE IN CHEEK HERE. DANIEL GOT ONE IN, WHAT'D'YA KNOW? DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD IT IN HIM. OR MAYBE HE'S BEEN HANGING AROUND WITH YOU TOO LONG.
Mac: Major Carter, we haven't heard much from you in this session.
Carter: What's this we, white man?
I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT WAS MY LIPS THAT IT CAME OUT OF.
Mac: This is a serious evaluation, people. The Pentagon is very concerned about the effects a traumatic experience like what happened to you all can have. This is no place for levity.
A JOKE WOULD DIE OF NEGLECT IN THIS GUY'S HEAD.
O'Neill: You're face would crack if you engaged in a little levity, MacKenzy. Lighten up on Carter.
Mac: You are very protective of Major Carter, Colonel O'Neill. This isn't something the Air Force has to be concerned with, is it?
THAT OLD RAG? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS MAN IS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE KEENEST OBSERVERS OF PEOPLE IN HIS FIELD? GLAD WE PUT THE EFFORT INTO OUR CAMOUFLAGE ACT, COLONEL, THOUGH. KEEPS IDIOTS LIKE THIS OUT OF OUR HAIR SO WE CAN LOVE WHOM WE PLEASE.
(Dr's note: Dr. Jackson and Colonel O'Neill exchanged cryptic looks and the three humans started laughing and Teal'c smiled. Obviously an example of one of SG-1's famous private jokes. These guys are a tough set of nuts to crack.)
REAL PRIVATE JOKE, THERE.
O'Neill: Oh, yeah, MacKenzy, you should be really worried when it comes to me. But not because of me being overprotective of Carter.
IT'S A GOOD THING YOU DIDN'T HAVE YOUR KNIFE JUST THEN SIR. YOU WERE PRETTY SCARY-LOOKING.
Jackson: Jack's pathologically overprotective of all of us.
DANIEL ALWAYS UNDERSTATES THE SITUATION. YOU'RE INSANELY OVERPROTECTIVE OF US. CERTIFIED, FOR SURE. IT'S WHY WE'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, COLONEL. BUT DON'T LET IT GO TO YOUR ALREADY OVER-INFLATED EGO OR ANYTHING.
Mac: Why do you use the word pathologically in the case of the Colonel's overprotective feelings, Dr. Jackson? Do you have a degree in psychology somewhere among your many laurels to back up the use of that clinical description?
DANIEL PROBABLY KNOWS MORE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE THINK THAN THIS GUY WILL EVER FIGURE OUT.
O'Neill: Aren't weeeee hostile, Dr. Mackenzy?
REOPENED MY TONGUE WOUND WITH THIS ONE, SIR. YOU SOUNDED JUST LIKE THE BASTARD.
Mac: I am asking a perfectly legitimate question, Colonel O'Neill. I am not hostile.
IN A PIG'S EYE HE ISN'T. HE'S JEALOUS THAT DANIEL THINKS SO HIGHLY OF YOU AND HATES HIM.
Jackson: Then why have you snapped seven pencils in half since this silly session started, Mackenzy? Are weeeee getting nervous?
TRUST DANIEL TO NOTICE THIS. I ONLY COUNTED FIVE.
Mac: This session isn't about me, Dr. Jackson. It is about the stressful feelings your entire team underwent during your unauthorized mission to destroy Apophis' ships. These stressful feelings led to the actions of the Colonel in the Gateroom. They were decidedly un-military-like.
CAN YOU BELIEVE HE SAID THAT? LIKE I SAID, JEALOUS.
Carter: Unmilitarylike? Why? Just because the Colonel hugged the stuffing out of Daniel, called him a pet name, and wouldn't let him go for a quarter of an hour? What was unmilitary about that? It was an emotional moment, Doctor. If the Colonel hadn't been bogarting Daniel, I would have been there with my arms around him myself.
I WANTED TO GUT HIM WITH MY KNIFE HERE, COLONEL, INSTEAD OF GUTTING HIM WITH WORDS.
Teal'c: Indeed. As would I.
Mac: I see. I don't get the feeling that we are getting anywhere in this session.
DUH, TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH.
O'Neill: For crying out loud, Mackenzy! What did you expect me to feel, after I thought I left Daniel to die? I was really happy to see him standing there grinning at me.
THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER SEEN DANIEL GRIN.
Mac: How would you have felt if he had died?
GOD, WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING THIS STUPID QUESTION? HOW DID THIS BIMBO EVER GET A MEDICAL DEGREE, ANYWAY? DO THEY GIVE THEM OUT AT SEARS, OR SOMETHING?
O'Neill: What kind of crazy question is that? He didn't die. We risk our lives on a weekly basis. Every time we go out there, one of us might not make it home. When we all do make it back alive, we are really happy and we show it on an emotional level. Hell, you shrinks are always telling us to let go with our feelings.
GOOD SUMMARY, SIR. GOOD JOB NOT BREAKING HIS NECK BY THEN, TOO.
Mac: Yes, but...
Teal'c: I believe that I will let go of my feelings now, O'Neill. I will leave and do my kel'no'reem. I do not wish to waste any more time.
GLAD TEAL'C SPOKE UP THEN.
Mac: Mr. Teal'c...
SG-1: TEAL'C, not MISTER TEAL'C!
O'Neill: You're hour's up, Mackenzy. Teal'c's right, this is a big waste of time. I'm outta here.
Mac: You are out of here when I say you are, Colonel, and not before.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE, SIR. YOUR BLACK OPS FACE, I THINK.
Jackson (standing up): No, we're out of here now. We're fine, Mackenzy, just fine. Why don't you go and practice your voodoo science on some other victims? We've just saved the world, and I just got raised from the dead again. That makes a man really hungry. Let's go to O'Malley's, guys.
NEVER MESS WITH A PISSED-OFF LINGUIST. IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT, COLONEL, DANIEL WAS DISTRACTING YOU WITH THIS. HE KNEW THE VISION OF A STEAK AT O'MALLEY'S WOULD GET YOUR MIND OFF OF KILLING MACKENZY. PROBABLY SAVED THE ASSHOLE'S LIFE.
O'Neill: Atta boy, Danny! You know, Mackenzy, you really need to work on that pencil breaking habit. Maybe you should go to a session for pencil-hating and breaking fetishes. It might help, ya know?
I DID LAUGH, THEN. GREAT COMMENT, SIR. HIS FACE TURNED AS RED AS THAT STUPID TIE HE WEARS.
Teal'c: Indeed. I will delay my meditations for a steak at O'Malley's, O'Neill.
DOCTOR'S NOTES: SG-1 SHOWS AN INCREASING LEVEL OF HOSTILITY TOWARDS PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATIONS. NOT TO MENTION THEIR DISRESPECT AND RUDENESS TO ME PERSONALLY. I SEE NO OUTWARD SIGN OF MENTAL DISEASE. HOWEVER, I RECOMMEND THAT SOME FURTHER OBSERVATIONS AND TESTS MIGHT HELP TO QUANTIFY THEIR PSYCHOLOGICAL STATES.
SIR, I'VE BEEN PLAYING WITH THIS COMPONENT-LIMITED COMPUTER VIRUSE THAT AUTOMATICALLY GENERATES SENTENCES LIKE "I NEED A BOTTLE" AND "I WANT TO PLAY WITH MY PEE-PEE" IN OFFICE MEMORANDUMS. I THINK I HAVE FOUND A GOOD HOME FOR IT, NOW.
S. CARTER, MAJOR, USAF
|Summary:||Sam comments on MacKenzy's report.