Daniel comments on the PTSD Evaluation of SG-1 by Sunraven
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Category: Jack/Daniel
Genres: Humor
Rated: Pre-Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Office Memos
Summary: Daniel comments on Mackenzy's memo describing his evaluation of SG-1 for post-traumatic stress disorder. In these comments, the archeologist shows that he has some lingering resentments.

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JACK, HERE ARE MY COMMENTS TO THIS RIDICULOUS EVALUATION. DANIEL

Subject: Psych evaluation, 3/14/1996

All of the subjects were on time for the meeting except Dr. Jackson, who came in five minutes late.

I WAS ONLY TWO MINUTES LATE! ON THIS HE BUILDS A DIAGNOSIS? CRETAN!

It was clear from his face that Dr. Jackson was not an enthusiastic participant of this evaluation. His demeanor was sullen, lower lip out in a distinct pout, eyes narrowed in open hostility as he looked at me.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS COMMENT ABOUT MY SCOWL AS A FUCKING POUT? I BET YOU TOLD HIM TO CALL IT THAT, DIDN'T YOU, JACK? I KNOW YOU TOLD JANET AND SAM THAT I POUT JUST TO GET YOU TO DO WHAT I WANT.

He still hasn't forgiven me for the treatment I prescribed when he was infected with the Machello bug.

RIGHT ON THE MARK, FOR ONCE! THAT DRUG COCKTAIL HE GAVE ME ALMOST CAUSED TEAL'C'S DEATH, BECAUSE I WAS ALMOST TOO MESSED UP TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT. THEN HE ALMOST DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME AND BRING YOU AROUND. WHY WEREN'T YOU THERE, JACK? YOU PRACTICALLY RAN OUT THE DOOR AFTER THE ONE VISIT.

Mac: First question: Colonel O'Neill, I understand you had to leave Daniel behind on Klorel's mothership. Tell me how you felt about that?

TYPICAL PSYCHOBABBLE. CAN'T EVEN COME UP WITH A DECENT OPENING LINE. SHEESH!

O'Neill: How do you think I felt, Mackenzy? I was leaving one of my team behind. For crying out loud, I was leaving Daniel behind to die!

GOOD THING HE COULDN'T REALLY FIGURE OUT YOUR FEELINGS, OR MINE. GOOD THING ALL AROUND THAT THIS GUY IS AN IDIOT.

Mac: I sense some hostility in your demeanor. Is it towards me, or towards Daniel for getting hurt and having to be left behind?

YOUR HOSTILITY TOWARDS MACKENZY IS WAY TOO LITTLE, WAY TOO LATE, JACK. YOU SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT FOR ME WHEN THAT ASSHOLE HAD ME, NOT AFTERWARDS. YOU HAD BETTER NOT BE HOSTILE FOR ME TAKING THAT SHOT TO PROTECT YOU AND THE REST. THAT COULDN'T BE HELPED.

O'Neill: You, definitely, MacKenzy. I hate shrinks! This is a frigging waste of time. You have some nerve, trying to put words in my mouth. You never risk your frigging life going through that ring!

MACKENZY'S AFRAID TO WALK TO THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF, EVEN. HE ASKS JANET TO GO WITH HIM TO PROTECT HIM. AND JACK, YOU SURE LISTENED TO MACKENZY WHEN HE SAID I WAS SCHIZOPHRENIC!

Mac: No I don't. I just deal with the aftermath of the trip. This evaluation has been ordered by the SGC's Chief Medical Officer. Do you feel hostile to her as well?

HE DOESN'T DEAL WITH THESE VERY WELL, EITHER. HE MAKES PEOPLE WORSE. I SURE FELT LIKE SHIT THE ONE TIME HE GOT HIS HANDS ON ME.

O'Neill: Nah, the Doc scares me too much to get mad at her. WELL, AT LEAST YOU SHOW SOME SENSE.

Mac: I see. I gather I don't scare you, so you feel free to be angry at me for doing what is required by the Air Force? Not to mention disrespectful...

DISRESPECTFUL? THIS GUY HAS NEVER SEEN YOU REALLY GET DISRESPECTFUL. I'M THE ONE WHO GETS TO ENDURE THAT, EVERY TIME I TRY TO COME UP WITH AN OPINION.

Jackson: What Jack is trying to say, Dr. MacKenzy, is that he...

I GUESS I'M SO USED TO SOOTHING RUFFLED BREASTS...

Mac: I asked Colonel O'Neill, Dr. Jackson. Please let him answer.

I FELT LIKE A FUCKING CHILD WHEN HE SAID THAT.

Teal'c: Do not annoy DanielJackson, DoctorShrink, by not allowing him to speak for us. This is what he does.

I ALMOST CRACKED UP WHEN TEAL'C SPOKE UP. DOCTORSHRINK! YOU TAUGHT HIM THAT, DIDN'T YOU?

Mac: On a planet with alien cultures, that is his duty. Here in this room, however, he is just another member of SG-1. I can't have Dr. Jackson speaking for the Colonel or any of you. I need to know your true feelings on the things I ask.

I'M NOT JUST A MEMBER OF SG-1, I'M THE MOUTHPIECE.

Teal'c: Grrrrrr.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT TEAL'C ACTUALLY SAID? IT WOULD HAVE SCARED ME, IF I HAD BEEN MACKENZY.

Mac: Did you just growl at me, Mr. Teal'c?

DUH, NO, IDIOT, I JUST MADE A PRETEND FART NOISE FOR FUN.

Jackson: Teal'c's just responding to the strong feelings....

HERE I GO AGAIN...

Mac: I asked Mr. Teal'c the question, not you, Dr. Jackson.

AGAIN FEELING LIKE A CHILD. WHY DO I EVEN TRY TO KEEP YOU AND TEAL'C OUT OF TROUBLE?

Teal'c: Yes. I do not like you, DoctorShrink, and I do not like your disrespectful questioning of us regarding our feelings. We are warriors, and warriors do not show weakness in front of the enemy.

YOU GO, TEAL'C!

Mac: I see. You see me as your enemy, Mr. Teal'c?

READ HIS LIPS, MACKENZY. AND MINE, AND JACK'S AND SAM'S AS WELL. YES!

Carter: It isn't MR. Teal'c. It is just Teal'c, or Master Teal'c.

WONDER WHEN SOMEONE WOULD COMMENT ON THIS.

O'Neill: Really, MacKenzy, you've been here since the inception of the SGC, and you still don't know Teal'c's proper address. Ya slow or something?

THIS WAS GOOD, JACK, I HAVE TO ADMIT.

Mac: Okay, Teal'c, do you see me as your enemy?

Teal'c: If you were my true enemy, DoctorShrink, you would be no longer living. However, I will not forget the torture you put DanielJackson through when Machello's weapon was inside him. On Chulak, we kill such that would dare lay hands on the revered person of one like DanielJackson.

I FORGIVE TEAL'C FOR LETTING THIS IDIOT GET HIS HANDS AND HIS DRUGS ON ME, AFTER THIS COMMENT. I DON'T FORGIVE YOU, JACK.

Mac: You are not on Chulak, M... erh, Teal'c. You are in a facility run by the United States Air Force. Here we don't kill people for doing their duties, however unpleasant they may be to carry out.

KILLING MACKENZY WOULDN'T BE UNPLEASANT AT ALL. TO BAD I'M CIVILIZED.

O'Neill: UNPLEASANT TO CARRY OUT! You misdiagnosed Daniel, pumped him full of drugs, put him in restraints, put him in a white padded room, and gawped at him like he was an animal in the zoo. What I used to do for my country was damned unpleasant to do. What you do here is butchery and torture in the guise of medical science, MacKenzy.

WELL, MAYBE I'LL FORGIVE YOU. SOMETIME IN THE NEXT DECADE OR SO. YOU WERE ANGRY FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME, WEREN'T YOU?

Mac: I suspected you were feeling hostile towards my office, Colonel O'Neill. Thank you for sharing these feelings.

THANK YOU FOR SHARING? WHERE DID THIS GUY LEARN HIS CLICHES? HOPEFULLY NOT IN MEDICAL SCHOOL.

O'Neill: (incomprehensible muttering)

I DIDN'T KNOW CAMELS COULD DO THAT, JACK.

Mac: Speak up, Colonel, I can't hear what you are saying.

Jackson: He's speaking in Arabic, MacKenzy, which he learned doing some of those damned unpleasant things for the Air Force. Trust me, you don't what to know what he said.

THOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHERE YOU LEARNED THAT PHRASE. IT'S COOL.

Mac: Major Carter, we haven't heard much from you in this session.

PICK ON HER NEXT? WHY NOT.

Carter: What's this we, white man?

DID YOU SEE ME COUGH TO HIDE MY LAUGH? SAM DID GOOD.

SG-1: laughter

Mac: This is a serious evaluation, people. The Pentagon is very concerned about the effects a traumatic experience like what happened to you all can have. This is no place for levity.

OBVIOUSLY, TO MACKENZY, IT'S NO PLACE FOR SERIOUS MEDICAL ACTIONS, EITHER.

O'Neill: You're face would crack if you engaged in a little levity, MacKenzy. Lighten up on Carter.

HAH, YES IT WOULD.

Mac: You are very protective of Major Carter, Colonel O'Neill. This isn't something the Air Force has to be concerned with, is it?

OUR PLAN TO REDIRECT ATTENTION WORKED.

(Dr's note: Dr. Jackson and Colonel O'Neill exchanged cryptic looks and the three humans started laughing and Teal'c smiled. Obviously an example of one of SG-1's famous private jokes. These guys are a tough set of nuts to crack.)

WE HAVE TO WATCH THIS IN THE FUTURE, HE NOTICED SOMETHING.

O'Neill: Oh, yeah, MacKenzy, you should be really worried when it comes to me. But not because of me being overprotective of Carter.

DID YOU REALLY BRING OUT YOUR POCKET KNIFE AND PARE YOUR NAILS HERE? OR WAS IT A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION?

Jackson: Jack's pathologically overprotective of all of us.

COULDN'T RESIST POINTING THIS OUT.

Mac: Why do you use the word pathologically in the case of the Colonel's overprotective feelings, Dr. Jackson? Do you have a degree in psychology somewhere among your many laurels to back up the use of that clinical description?

DUH, I'M A LINGUIST, MACKENZY. I KNOW LOTS OF BIG WORDS LIKE PATHOLOGICAL. MAYBE I SHOULD TEACH YOU SOME. YOU CAN USE ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET.

O'Neill: Aren't weeeee hostile, Dr. Mackenzy?

THAT WAS FUNNY, JACK. PERFECT MIMICRY.

Mac: I am asking a perfectly legitimate question, Colonel O'Neill. I am not hostile.

SURE HE'S NOT. HE'S HATED ME SINCE DAY ONE, AND HAS BEEN TRYING TO GET HIS HANDS AND DRUGS ON ME SINCE.

Jackson: Then why have you snapped seven pencils in half since this silly session started, Mackenzy? Are weeeee getting nervous?

WAS I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED THIS? THE MAN PRACTICALLY PULVERIZED THE THINGS.

Mac: This session isn't about me, Dr. Jackson. It is about the stressful feelings your entire team underwent during your unauthorized mission to destroy Apophis' ships. These stressful feelings led to the actions of the Colonel in the Gateroom. They were decidedly un-military-like.

WELL, AT LEAST THAT WAS TRUE. I GUESS IT'S BECAUSE YOU JUST GOT A CLUE HOW YOU FELT RIGHT THEN, DIDN'T YOU, JACK?

Carter: Unmilitarylike? Why? Just because the Colonel hugged the stuffing out of Daniel, called him a pet name, and wouldn't let him go for a quarter of an hour? What was unmilitary about that? It was an emotional moment, Doctor. If the Colonel hadn't been bogarting Daniel, I would have been there with my arms around him myself.

BOGARTING. GREAT WORD.

Teal'c: Indeed. As would I.

TEAL'C WOULD HAVE HUGGED ME? HMMM.

Mac: I see. I don't get the feeling that we are getting anywhere in this session.

UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY.

O'Neill: For crying out loud, Mackenzy! What did you expect me to feel, after I thought I left Daniel to die? I was really happy to see him standing there grinning at me.

I WAS HAPPY TO SEE THAT YOU WERE STILL ALIVE, JACK.

Mac: How would you have felt if he had died? WHY DOES HE KEEP COMING BACK TO ME? WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT ATTRACTS

THESE WIERDOS? DO I HAVE SOME KIND OF SIGN THAT SAYS "KICK ME, BEAT ME, GIVE ME DRUGS?" OR SOMETHING?

O'Neill: What kind of crazy question is that? He didn't die. We risk our lives on a weekly basis. Every time we go out there, one of us might not make it home. When we all do make it back alive, we are really happy and we show it on an emotional level. Hell, you shrinks are always telling us to let go with our feelings.

GOOD EXCUSE, JACK. TOO BAD I REALLY KNOW THE TRUTH. YOU WANTED TO JUMP ME RIGHT THERE IN THE GATEROOM, AND YOU KNOW IT.

Mac: Yes, but...

Teal'c: I believe that I will let go of my feelings now, O'Neill. I will leave and do my kel'no'reem. I do not wish to waste any more time.

TEAL'C REALLY DOESN'T LIKE THIS GUY.

Mac: Mr. Teal'c...

SG-1: TEAL'C, not MISTER TEAL'C!

O'Neill: You're hour's up, Mackenzy. Teal'c's right, this is a big waste of time. I'm outta here.

SECOND JACK? CHICKEN!

Mac: You are out of here when I say you are, Colonel, and not before.

HE WAS ACTUALLY TRYING TO OUT MACHO YOU, JACK. I COULD TELL HIM IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. BUT EVERY TIME I TALKED, HE JUMPED DOWN MY THROAT.

Jackson (standing up): No, we're out of here now. We're fine, Mackenzy, just fine. Why don't you go and practice your voodoo science on some other victims? We've just saved the world, and I just got raised from the dead again. That makes a man really hungry. Let's go to O'Malley's, guys.

DID I REALLY COMPARE THE SGC'S CHIEF PSYCHIATRIST TO A VOODOO PRACTITIONER? I'VE BEEN HANGING AROUND YOU TOO MUCH, JACK.

O'Neill: Atta boy, Danny! You know, Mackenzy, you really need to work on that pencil breaking habit. Maybe you should go to a session for pencil-hating and breaking fetishes. It might help, ya know?

THAT CRACKED ME UP, YOU GIVING HIM PSYCHIATRIC ADVISE. POT AND KETTLE, JACK.

Teal'c: Indeed. I will delay my meditations for a steak at O'Malley's, O'Neill.

Doctor's notes: sg-1 shows an increasing level of hostility towards phychiatric evaluations. Not to mention their disrespect and rudeness to me personally. I see no outward sign of mental disease. However, i recommend that some further observations and tests might help to quantify their psychological states.

JACK, DON'T YOU EVER LET THIS GUY GET HIS HANDS ON ME AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?

SIGNED,

DR. DANIEL JACKSON.
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