Jack O'Neill drove down the street again, third time in as many nights. He always told himself he didn't mean to, but he always ended up driving past and glancing up at the apartment window. He tried to fool himself that he wasn't really that desperate but obviously his subconscious mind didn't agree with him. He'd been that desperate for months and until recently, he'd been able to control it.
If he was honest, and it was past time that he was at least honest with himself, he hadn't been controlling it, he'd been burying it. See, he couldn't even use the word to himself. He kept calling it, it. Grow up Jack. Say the word, if only to yourself. You have been burying the feeling, the feeling of... God he couldn't even say it to himself, how the hell could he say it to Daniel.
Yet that was why he kept driving past Daniel's apartment, trying to pluck up the courage to go inside, get in the elevator, go up and finally admit the feelings he had to his colleague, his team-member, his one-time best friend, who could now barely stand to be in the same room with him. Not Daniel's fault. Daniel could barely be in the room with him because he, Jack, found it so difficult to be civil to the man and Daniel felt the hurt so deeply it had become easier for him to retreat.
Daniel wore his feelings on his sleeve and every time Jack snapped, or denigrated him or threw out one of his snide remarks, Jack could see the hurt. Yet, instead of pulling back and saying sorry, Jack pushed some more. He supposed that if he pushed hard enough, Daniel would either push back and let his anger bring out his true feelings and being braver than he was, Daniel would have confessed his feelings. Alternatively, Daniel would have had enough and left Jack alone. Left me alone; as if it was his fault. I really am a bastard aren't I?
I want him so he's to blame. What kind of man am I?
I just need to park my car, go inside, go up, and knock on his door. Go inside and look him in the eye. Such beautiful eyes, I could fall in there and drown and never regret it. Look him in the eye and tell him how much I care, how much I need him, how much I ...love him.
What have I got to lose? Only Daniel. As I don't have him anyway, what I have got to lose? The worse that could happen is that Daniel would be understanding and say sorry as he refused me. He's such an expert on human nature that he'd never hold it against me. If he weren't interested he would just carry on as before. But I have this belief, expectation ...fear if you will, that he is interested and that's why he is so hurt. Because I have that power over him.
But there's something else you see. Something he probably wouldn't even think of, is that he has that same power over me. There is no one who could hurt me the way Daniel could. If I am wrong, and not being quite the expert in human nature that Daniel is, I could so easily be wrong, then I will be hurt when he turns me down.
So, I have finally decided, as I drive down the street for the fourth time, that I will park. I will gather my courage and I will go and speak to Daniel. Because I can no longer stand to hurt him, the man I love. If I am the one who is hurt then perhaps I deserve it. At least then Daniel will understand why I have been treating him so badly and I will at last feel relief for getting it off my chest. I've admitted to myself that I love him enough to stop hurting him, stop hurting myself as I've been doing by hurting him. I've been so unhappy and blaming the world instead of facing myself. If he doesn't want me then I'll leave, I'll retire. I can't go on like this.
Daniel watched from his window as Jack's car went by yet again. Twice tonight, whatever's the matter with the man now? There was obviously something serious on his mind and Daniel was pretty sure that this time it wasn't something he'd done. They hadn't been off world for almost a week and Jack had been conspicuous by his absence from Daniel's office during most of that time. True, Daniel had been busy on the latest translation, but that had never usually stopped Jack from dropping by whenever he felt the need.
Daniel sipped his wine, wondering if at last Jack had decided to take the bull by the horns and face him. He had been sick of putting up with Jack's crap over the last few months even though he understood, perhaps more even than Jack, what was behind it; so much so that he had been seriously debating cornering Jack himself and challenging the man. Daniel had only allowed Jack to go as far as he had because he knew how hard it was for the military man to accept what was happening, so he had allowed Jack time to come to terms with his feelings. Feelings weren't something Jack handled easily at the best of times and coming to terms with this would be even harder. But it had been months now and Daniel wasn't prepared to accept it much longer. If Jack didn't say something then he would. The only other option would be for one of them to leave, and Daniel couldn't accept that.
Ooh, interesting, he's parking. Daniel moved back slightly from his window so as not to be seen from the street. If Jack had finally decided, Daniel was not about to spoil things. He smiled as he drained his glass.
Jack leaned back against the elevator wall, almost at Daniel's floor now. He felt the nerve in his cheek jumping. He flexed his hands, trying to free the tension running through him. He knew that was impossible until he had seen Daniel, if then. The door opened and he strode into the hall towards Daniel's apartment. He raised his hand to knock, hesitated, took a breath, licked his lips and knocked firmly.
Before Jack expected it the door opened, Daniel was standing there. Jack suppressed a gasp. The man looked gorgeous. He was wearing blue jeans worn soft with age, a white tee that did nothing to disguise the form of his chest and an open blue denim shirt.
"Hello Jack. I wasn't expecting you this evening." His voice seemed deeper than usual as he backed away to allow Jack entry. "Were you just passing or have you called for a reason?"
Jack swallowed. "Err, both I suppose. I was just passing, but I have something I want...need to say."
"I see, come through to the living room. I'm having wine," he said swinging up the empty glass in his hand. "Join me? Or I have some beer."
"I'll have some wine with you, thanks."
Daniel raised an eyebrow, wine not being Jack's usual drink of choice, but he said nothing. He re-filled his glass and poured one for Jack.
Jack had taken a seat by the fireplace though there was no fire set, as it was a warm evening. Daniel handed him the glass and took the chair opposite and waited. Jack sipped the wine and was surprised to find he liked the flavour, and the warmth as it slipped down.
"You said you had something to say to me. It's been a while since you came to see me, I guess it must be important."
Jack looked at Daniel sitting across from him, calm and relaxed and he saw someone different from the man at the mountain who always walked away from confrontation with him. This was a different man from the one who accepted his bullshit and took the hurt inside. This man was so sure of himself, that for a moment, Jack did not recognise him. In that moment he realised that Daniel knew, had probably always known and was waiting for Jack to finally admit it. It hit him again how strong a man Daniel Jackson was, stronger than Jack would ever be.
Jack sighed and began his confession. "I suppose I should begin with an apology for all I have put you through. I...I never meant to hurt you but I was afraid and it was easier to push you away than to admit," he hesitated, took a sip of his wine, then looked Daniel in the eye and continued, "to admit to you that I had fallen in love with you."
"To admit to me? Perhaps you mean to admit to yourself?" Daniel asked calmly.
Jack laughed bitterly. "Oh, you know me so well. Yes, it is true it was hard to admit it to myself. And when I did, I ran. From me and especially from you." Jack looked down at his hands and saw they were shaking slightly. "Can you forgive me for what I put you through?"
"Perhaps, if you tell me what you want from me now."
Jack was holding the wine glass between his fingers, twirling it around and watching the colours flash through the liquid. He was afraid for a moment to look into Daniel's eyes, afraid they would be hard and unforgiving, for if they were how could he ask for what he wanted. He squared his shoulders, I've never been a coward and I'm not about to start now. He looked up and met Daniel's eyes, seeing only calm composure. He took a breath and tried to speak as calmly as he could, "I want to know if you can forgive me, I want to know if you have any feelings for me, I want to know if we have a chance."
Daniel pursed his lips and Jack could not take his eyes off the luscious swell of them and wondered what they might feel like to kiss.
Daniel sat forward in his chair and looked directly into Jack's eyes. "I have waited for longer than I care to admit for you to come to me. I've cared for you for so long but at first, I never had any illusions that you could return my feelings. That was until a few months back. It took me a while to realise what the hell was going on, but when I did, I knew I had to wait for you to decide.
"So, to answer your questions, yes I can forgive you now that you've finally got a grip, and I accept your apology. I think I already answered number two. As for number three, that depends on you."
Jack stared at Daniel, his mouth open like a guppy. He closed it with a snap. His mind was jumping all over the place trying to take in all that Daniel had just said. He's cared for me for so long. Cared for me? He'd chase that up later, but first of all, "It depends on me. What does that mean?"
"It means I'd take a chance in a heartbeat, but then I'm a civilian. It's not that easy for you. I thought perhaps that was your problem all this time. Was it something else?"
"God, it was so many things. I fought against my own feelings because I'm your C.O. and whether you're military or not, you are in my team and that's fraternisation. I was scared that I would put you before Carter and Teal'c. And last but not least, you're a man."
"We were on a military base with fucking marines! If they found out about... you'd never be safe."
He's not going to let go is he? "And I've never had a relationship with a man before. I'm not saying I'm innocent," Jack said with a nervous laugh, "I've had a few buddy-fucks in my time and some helpful stress relief. But that's not what I want with you." He sat on the edge of his seat and held Daniel with his eyes. "I love you, Danny and if you want to know how serious I am, if it comes to you or the programme, I'll take you every time."
"Good, because I'll take you every time." Daniel said standing. He looked down at Jack and smiled. "Everything else we'll face when we come to it. The most important thing you mentioned there was putting me before Sam and Teal'c and that doesn't worry me cause you'd never do that. You'll do your job just as you always have."
"Oh Daniel, you've really thought this through haven't you?"
"There was nothing else I could do. I've been waiting for you." Daniel put his hand out and drew Jack up when he took it.
"Was I worth waiting for?" Jack asked, as he leaned into Daniel, the words breathed against his ear.
Daniel gasped at the sensation and said, "I'll answer that later." Then he leaned in the last inch and kissed Jack.
Jack melted into the softness of those lips, he'd known they would be soft but he had never expected them to be firm, nor had he imagined how wonderful they would taste. He felt Daniel's hand in the hair at the nape of his neck and the other was around his waist pulling him in. Jack had his arms across Daniel's shoulders and one of them slipped in the silky hair pulling his head closer. Jack pushed at Daniel's lower lip and he opened swiftly allowing Jack in. Jack revelled in the warm cavern, exploring the tasted and texture of his mouth. Daniel's tongue began to fight back, wanting to get inside his mouth and Jack let him win before they had to pull apart to suck oxygen into their lungs.
They looked at each other, eyes dilated with passion. Daniel moved his hand from Jack's hair and drifted it down his neck and around his collar, pulling it away as he moved his mouth to suckle where the neck joined the shoulder. Jack sighed and moved his head to one side to give Daniel better access. His hands were busy too, unfastening Daniel's shirt and as he undid each button he caressed the flesh exposed. When they were all undone, his fingers sought out Daniel's nipples. They were already proud and they hardened in seconds as Jack caressed and pulled at them. Daniel gasped and let go of Jack's neck, allowing him to dive down and grasp one nipple in his mouth. He licked and sucked at it while his fingers continued to play with the other.
Daniel was loosening Jack's shirt from his trousers, allowing his hands to travel up Jack's back. He delighted in feeling the strength of the man he loved. He could feel each scar that marked the man's life, his successes and his failures, his sacrifices for those in need. Each was a badge of courage and Daniel intended to map each and every one.
Daniel was shivering now with the sensations flowing through him and he could feel the heat rising in Jack's body. Jack's mouth was still on his chest while his legs felt rubbery and if Jack kept that up much longer, Daniel wouldn't be able to stay upright. "Jack?" his voice was husky and low, "Jack."
"Mmmm." Jack wouldn't let go of his nipple.
"Let's go to the bedroom."
Jack looked up at that. He saw the sweat on Daniel's brow and noted how uneven his breathing was. Jack smiled as he felt his own heart beating a tattoo in his chest. "Good idea."
It took longer than expected to reach the bedroom, they kept stopping on the way for licks and nips and kisses. Shirts and tees were dropped on the floor before they reached the bedroom door. Daniel shoved it open and Jack swung him around so he could back Daniel toward the bed.
When Daniel's calves hit the bed he fell back with a laugh. Jack pounced on him, landing with one knee on each side of Daniel's thighs, leaning in to capture that perfect mouth again. Jack reluctantly released the mouth and stretched his hands back reaching for the button of Daniel's jeans. Daniel stayed prostrate on the bed watching Jack, his own hands caressing up and down Jack's thighs. Jack undid the button and then began to pull down the zip, slowly. Daniel's chest rose faster as he panted his breath out, his passion rising as each zip tooth snickered open. Jack's grin widened as he watched Daniel's reaction and as his right hand slipped inside the jeans Jack was surprised to discover Daniel had gone commando.
"Expecting someone, Daniel?" Jack asked huskily.
Daniel grinned like a Cheshire cat and said, "Well you did keep driving past, and I knew you'd come up sometime."
"Fuck!" Jack exclaimed.
"Maybe," came Daniel's soft reply.
Jack's answer was to jump off Daniel, who sat up puzzled, until Jack yanked off Daniel's boots in record time. Daniel's socks followed, landing somewhere on the floor behind Jack, who then promptly grabbed the hem of each leg of Daniel's jeans and pulled. Daniel was yanked forward with his jeans and had to quickly lift his hips or he'd have landed on the floor with the jeans. Jack then pulled off his own clothes and was back on Daniel before the younger man got his breath back.
Daniel lay there laughing, until he needed all his air to breath, as Jack took his mouth once more. Daniel returned the favour with gusto, his tongue duelling with Jack's to find every crevice and taste every surface.
Jack broke the kiss to lick and nip his way down Daniel's throat and down to his chest. He moved on down Daniel's ribs to his waist, which turned out to be ticklish. Daniel squirmed and moaned much to Jack's delight as he travelled along his flanks. Daniel's hands were busy on Jack's back, enjoying the feel of the man he had wanted to get into his bed for longer than he could remember. As Jack went lower on his body, Daniel curled up over Jack until he could reach his ass. He had admired this from afar for too long. Daniel wanted to get as close to it as he could. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on the point of view, Jack chose that moment to take Daniel's cock into his mouth and Daniel found himself lying back on the bed, eyes squeezed tight and gasping for breath.
Jack was pleased to note Daniel's reaction; he discovered he loved to see the younger man squirming beneath him. He licked up the underside of Daniel's length and very gently nipped at the head, making Daniel moan and buck. Daniel's hands sought out Jack's head, raking his fingers through the silver hair, delighting to discover it was much softer than he expected. He opened his eyes and was fascinated as he watched Jack's head move up and down over his groin. This was one of his fantasies and he was overwhelmed to discover the reality was so much better than he could possibly have imagined. The sensations rolling through his body were unlike anything he had experienced before. He wanted to roll forward to reach more of Jack but he simply couldn't move. He felt like the proverbial rag doll.
Jack felt Daniel's hands playing with his hair and he chuckled, as he played breaths of air over the cock in his mouth. He chuckled again to hear Daniel's muttered "Jaaack, oh God..." Jack took Daniel in as far as he could and licked and sucked. Daniel's grip on his hair now became painful but that only made Jack suck harder.
One of Jack's hands was placed on Daniel's lower abdomen to try and hold him steady and the other took hold of Daniel's sac and massaged the balls inside before slipping behind to reach for his pucker. Jack knew that Daniel was very near now, as he stroked the entrance to his lover's body. Daniel bucked at the wondrous sensations Jack was creating and forced Jack's finger inside his entrance. That was it, the young man shot his load and Jack had to pull back slightly so as not to choke. Jack swallowed as fast as he could as the pearly stream came and came and Daniel muttered over and over, "Jack, Jack, ohgodohgodohgod, Jack..."
Jack slowly released Daniel and lay alongside him, one hand slowly caressing his stomach. Daniel was trying to get his body to move but his brain was still in meltdown and it was enough that he could just see beyond the stars in his eyes. Gradually he became aware of Jack's hand on his stomach and Jack's breath on his neck. He turned his head and sought out Jack's mouth for a long passionate kiss. "That was ...you're really good at that, you never said you could do that."
"No," Jack smiled, his hand still drawing circles on Daniel's stomach, "but you said that perhaps later I could... perhaps," Daniel raised an eyebrow, "fuck you?"
"Did I say that?" he teased, leaning over to play with Jack's nipples, "I thought I said maybe."
"Maybe, yes?" the older man asked, and Daniel could feel his heart pounding as he caressed him. Then Jack leaned up, "Daniel, we can't unless you're,"
"Unless I'm prepared?" Daniel interrupted laughing. "Jack, I've been prepared for months," he answered, leaning over to open a bedside drawer and pulling out a small tube.
"Are you sure, Danny?" Jack asked, this time serious.
"Yeah, I'm sure. I dreamed about this. I want you, Jack." Daniel replied, handing him the tube.
Jack was awed at the trust Daniel was showing, wondering if he deserved it after the way he had behaved. He would have to prove to Daniel that he did. He took the tube, saying, "It's been a while for both of us, Danny."
"It's okay." Daniel leaned in and kissed him again, this time slow and sensuous and Jack felt as if his nerves were on fire. He pulled the younger man into his arms, bringing him as close as he possibly could, warm skin covering warm skin.
Jack broke the kiss to look into Daniel's eyes. He saw only passion and love, no fear or uncertainty. His hands began to drift over Daniel's body swiftly followed by his tongue as he laved his way down to his groin. His hand slipped underneath and he began stroking the entrance again. He lifted his head and whispered, "Daniel, turn over."
Daniel rolled over and raised his ass slightly to give Jack access. To help, Jack slipped a pillow under Daniel's hips. Daniel watched over his shoulder hardly able to believe it was happening, he had wanted Jack like this for so long; inside him, taking him, surrounding him. Jack slicked his fingers with the lube and then his cock and then he slid each of his thumbs across Daniel's opening massaging the tight ring of muscle. Carefully, Jack slid in one finger, and watched as Daniel pushed back against it. Jack felt so good knowing he was making Daniel react like that. Jack massaged and stretched Daniel's tight pucker and felt his stomach clench as Daniel moaned. Jack slipped in another finger and scissored to open Daniel even further.
"Oh, Jack, that feels sooo good, don't stop."
Jack smiled, pushed in again and this time he found what he had been looking for. It had been a long time since he had done this and he hoped he could find it. Daniel squirmed and pressed back even harder on Jack's fingers. "Patience, patience. I'm coming."
"You won't be on your own if you keep doing that," Daniel gasped.
Jack laughed and penetrated his lover's ass with in a third finger. "Oh Jack, I want to feel your cock inside me," Daniel moaned.
"My, my, Doctor, I never knew what a slut you were."
"Colonel, I never knew what a tease you were. Ooh, god, Jack..." he moaned, as Jack slid a finger back and forward to stroke his prostate.
"Ready, Daniel?" Daniel could only nod in response.
Jack lined himself up and slowly slid into the opening. Daniel sucked in his breath slowly, as Jack took a firm grip on his hips and slid in a little further as slowly as he could. Daniel gasped and tried to relax his muscles open.
"Oh, my god, Daniel, you're so good, so good." Jack muttered distractedly. Daniel gasped and moaned.
Jack began a slow steady push in till he was balls deep, all the way in. Jack loved the sensation of being inside this man, filling him up and just hoped that Daniel would enjoy it too. Daniel's breathing was shaky but Jack knew it always took time to adjust to the feeling of being full. Jack wouldn't move unless Daniel told him to. He had promised himself he wouldn't hurt Daniel.
"Jack, it's good, I'm fine. Now. Move."
Jack sighed with relief and began to move slowly. He pulled out and slipped back, in and out, till Daniel sighed and panted, "Faster Jack, go faster."
Jack smiled to himself, took a firmer grip and began a faster rhythm, slamming in and out of Daniel's hot passage. Daniel leaned down on his elbows for better support and in doing so, lifted his ass a little higher. Jack now had the perfect angle and as he slammed in again he hit the gland perfectly and Daniel cried out, making Jack thrust in again and again. Daniel's muscles clamped in reaction and Jack grunted with pleasure at the sensations that flooded his body. He knew he wouldn't last much longer. Sweat glistened over Daniel's back and Jack leaned over to lick at his spine. Daniel arched back against the new sensation, moaning over and over, "Jack, Jack, Jack..."
Daniel didn't know he could feel so much. He was light-headed and his nerves felt as if ice and fire battled each other under his skin. He thought his brain would explode and he couldn't seem to form words. He could only feel. Feel the man he loved, deep inside him; feel as Jack slammed into him again and again.
"Gonna come, Danny, gonna come, gonna .... Aahhh! DANNY!"
Daniel felt Jack's orgasm deep inside as he spurted against his prostate and continued to pulsate and quiver within. "Ohgod, ohgodohgod. Jack." Daniel murmured against his folded arms as Jack collapsed onto his back.
Jack was on high, floating and he came down slowly. He'd never experienced such an orgasm, he felt so complete and he knew it was because he was with Danny.
They lay still, in a heap on the bed, Jack still inside Daniel. Jack began to slip sideward and pull out of Daniel. "No, wait, not yet, stay a minute." Daniel murmured. Jack was happy to oblige and licked and kissed along Daniel's shoulder blade, murmuring "Love you, Danny, love you."
"Love you too, Jack, have for a long time."
"I'm where I belong at last, sorry it took me so long to realise it."
Daniel laughed, "Oh yes, you are, just where you belong."
|Genres:||Angst, Drama, First Time|
|Summary:||Jack decides it's time to put his cards on the table.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to my Beta, Gateroller!