Colonel Jack O'Neill signed another report, tossed it onto the growing pile with a flourish, then fisted his hands into his short, greying hair.
"I can't take this anymore," he muttered.
SG-1 had been on stand-down for two weeks and he was going crazy. Everyone else had interesting things to do, as far as Jack was concerned. Major Samantha Carter was working on a simulation model for something she found nauseatingly fascinating. Dr. Daniel Jackson was on the verge of unlocking the key to an alien language that Jack was positive was created by some variety of avian species, specifically poultry. And Teal'c? He got to train individuals in Jaffa-style hand-to-hand combat.
"What do I get?" Jack mumbled. "Paper. Goddamn paper. Memos, requisitions, mission reports, lost items, found items, who the hell cares items."
Jack sat back and looked at his in-pile versus his out-pile. The former was at least three times the size.
"Crap, I have no life." He leaned back, slumping in his chair. "I really need to get laid," he said with a martyred sigh. "I know. Daniel will cheer me up. He's got less of a life than me."
Pleased with his proposed course of action, Jack tackled a few more items from the hated in-box.
Daniel wrote furiously. Literally hundreds of hours of painstaking work were finally paying off. He was so close to success he could taste it.
Oh, God, Jack, not now. Go away.
"You look kinda busy there. Anything I can help with?" Jack asked, his dark shadow looming over Daniel.
"You're in my light."
"I thought I was your light. You know, always brightening your day and that sort of thing," Jack teased.
Daniel fixed him with a baleful glare.
"Looks like someone didn't get their Fruit Loops today," Jack goaded.
Ignore him and he'll go away. God, who am I kidding? He's bored to tears. Why me?
"So, Daniel, when was the last time you-"
"Two hours ago," Daniel interrupted impatiently. Why does he always think lack of food's my problem?
"Here, where do you think?" Daniel mumbled.
"Yes, on base and with Teal'c if you must know," he said irritably.
"With Teal'c?" Jack asked in alarm.
Daniel looked up, frazzled and said, "What's the big deal, Jack? If you don't believe me, ask him. He's right there."
Jack whirled to see the Jaffa enter the room.
"Ask me what, O'Neill?"
"Did you and Daniel have sex two hours ago?"
"What?" Daniel choked as Teal'c's eyebrow rose.
"No, we did not, O'Neill."
"Daniel here says you did."
"Jack, I did not!" the younger man protested vigorously.
"I believe I would remember that, O'Neill," Teal'c said placidly.
"Hey guys, what's up?" Sam asked, attracted by the commotion.
"Apparently, Daniel," Jack quipped.
"I am not! I wasn't...I didn't..."
"Hey, Carter," Jack said, "when did you last- "
"Four hours ago, sir."
"Yes, with Daniel," she smiled.
Jack whistled. "Danny, you dog. First Carter and then Teal'c. Frankly, I'm a little hurt. I've been stuck in my office all day getting paper cuts while you've been whetting your appetite."
"I could give it another go, sir, if you'd like," Sam offered, as her stomach growled.
"Sam, don't...don't say anything," Daniel pleaded, as Jack's eyebrows rose rakishly.
"I don't understand," she said in confusion.
"So, it wasn't very satisfying?" Jack asked innocently.
"Not really. More of an appetizer, actually."
"Oh, God," Daniel groaned, burying his head in his arms.
"Oh, kinda small, was it?" Jack asked.
"But sweet," she smiled guiltily, thinking of the rich cheesecake.
"No, no, no, no," Daniel moaned.
"I was most satisfied, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said helpfully.
Daniel whimpered softly, much to Sam's alarm.
"It's okay, Daniel. You satisfied the big guy," Jack soothed.
"Go away," he mumbled.
"Am I missing something here?" Sam asked suspiciously.
"Jack!" Daniel warned, fixing the older man with a withering glare.
"Hey, all I asked was-"
"Get out!" Daniel said loudly. "All of you. Please, just get out."
"What in Sam Hill is going on in here?" General Hammond asked, walking into the crowded office.
"General, make them leave," Daniel begged.
"Dr. Jackson, you don't look very well. Have you been-"
"Every two hours, sir," Jack interrupted helpfully.
"Well, I'm glad to hear that, son," Hammond smiled paternally. "Frequency and moderation. That's the way I like it. Good lord, what's the matter with him?" he asked quietly, as Daniel moaned piteously, grinding his forehead into his desk.
"I think his two hours may be up, General," Jack whispered. "Personally, I'd be happy with once a day but Daniel here..."
"I'm counting to ten," Daniel said ominously. "One...two..."
"Are you still game, Carter?" Jack asked.
"If you're up to it, Colonel."
"Why is he shaking his head like that," Hammond inquired softly.
"I think maybe we should go, sir," Sam whispered to Jack.
"Right. We're going now, Daniel."
"Thank you," he ground out.
Daniel's unwanted company departed. He turned his head slightly and peered up cautiously. Thank God, they're gone. He sat up just as Jack waltzed back in.
"Well, I hope you learned your lesson, Daniel," Jack admonished. "Never interrupt a colonel."
"Oh, you bastard," Daniel said, vainly suppressing a smile. "If Hammond ever found out what we were talking about."
"Frequency and moderation," Jack laughed. "God, I thought I was going to pee."
"What about Sam? You weren't going to actually ask her about her sex life were you?"
"Do I look like I have a death wish?" Jack asked in mock amazement.
"Excuse me, gentlemen," Hammond said, slipping surreptitiously into the room, causing the two men to jump to their feet.
"Ah, just to confirm. We were talking about-"
"Food, sir," Jack cried. "Yes, we were talking about food."
"That's right, General," Daniel concurred.
"You know, frequency, moderation-" Jack explained.
"Um, variety," Daniel suggested.
"Variety, that's a good one, Daniel." Damn, I could've used that one earlier.
"Food?" Hammond frowned. "Hell, I thought we were talking about sex. Well, never mind," he smiled, exiting the room.
Jack and Daniel stood motionless, gaping at each other in mute astonishment.
"Sir!" he jumped as Hammond popped his head through the doorway.
"Never interrupt a general," he chastised, wagging his finger. "And Dr. Jackson, if you need any advice on handling bored colonels, my door is always open," he smiled, then walked down the hall, chortling.
"To hell with colonels," Daniel said, visibly impressed.
"Damn," Jack shivered. "I hate it when he does that."
"Serves you right, Jack, and just why the hell were you going to ask me when I last had sex?"
Jack smiled sheepishly and shrugged.
"I wanted to make sure you weren't getting anything I wasn't."
"Well, you have no fears on that count," Daniel said dismally. "Thanks for reminding me."
"You better go. Sam's waiting for you."
"Oh, right," Jack blushed slightly. He walked over to the door and stopped.
"What?" Daniel sighed.
"They both invited you to get something to eat?"
"Um-no," Daniel said, ducking his head.
"What, you invited them?"
"I was hungry," Daniel said defensively. "And before you-"
"You didn't think to ask me?"
Daniel sighed. "Of course I thought of asking you but-"
"Then why didn't you?" Jack pressed, his feelings hurt.
"If you'd let me finish, I'll explain," Daniel said, exasperated.
"Explain away," Jack offered huffily.
"I thought if I asked you to lunch you wouldn't want to come for dinner," Daniel said rapidly, ducking his head again.
"Sweet," Jack grinned.
"Seven?" Daniel suggested, looking up with a small smile on his face.
"I'll be there," Jack said, still grinning.
"Good. Now, shouldn't you be somewhere?"
"Right. Carter. Okay, I'll see you later."
"Hey, Daniel," Jack called from the doorway.
"Haven't you finished that translation yet?"
Jack ducked out the door, narrowly avoiding the well-aimed projectile.
|Summary:||Jack is bored and Daniel suffers|