Random Audit by Catsmeow
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Category: General
Genres: Humor
Rated: All Ages
Warnings: None
Series: None
Summary: Daniel gets a call from the IRS

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Author's Chapter Notes:
Takes place sometime in Season 8
Daniel ran his hand along the spine of each book in the last bookcase in his living room, muttering as he did so. His copy of Commentarii de Bello Gallico was in the house somewhere, he was sure of it. Too bad he couldn’t remember where it was. Too bad he couldn’t even narrow down what room it was in. He crouched down, checking the bottom shelf. Nope. Not in this bookcase, either. He absently adjusted his glasses as he stood up. Maybe in the bookcase in the hallway…

As he turned toward the door, the phone rang. He snagged the handset on his way out of the living room into the hallway. “Hello?” He sure hoped the book was in the bookcase in the hallway because he was running out of places to look.

“This is Stanley Cooper of the Internal Revenue Service. I need to speak with Daniel Jackson.”

“This is Doctor Jackson.” He checked his watch. Damn. He was running out of time, too. If he was late for one more briefing he’d never hear the end of it from Jack, pardon, General O’Neill. Daniel could hear someone talking and suddenly remembered the phone he was holding and put it back up to his ear.

“…random check, Mr. Jackson. I’ve been reviewing your files and there are significant gaps in your filing history.”

Gaps in history, thought Daniel. Of course there are gaps in history. Oral histories die with their people. Written records get destroyed or lost. Just like he’d managed to lose the Commentarii since it wasn’t in this bookcase either. Damn. The droning voice caught his attention again.

“…and for those years not only is there no 1040 filed, but the form used would indicate the settlement of a decedent’s estate. Now, how such a huge mistake on the part of the preparer was – “

“Oh, well, you see,” interrupted Daniel, “I was accidentally declared dead. But I thought this had all been straightened out. Perhaps if you check the file again?” Where else could Daniel check for the book?

“What? You were declared dead? When did this happen?”

“Which time?” Hmmm…had he looked in the pile by his desk yet? No, he didn’t think he had.

"What??” The IRS agent was obviously taken aback.

“Which time do you want to ask about?” Daniel hurried down the hall to his den-slash-office.

“Do you mean you were accidentally declared dead more than once?” Agent Cooper’s voice raised in pitch as he spoke.

“Oh, yes” Daniel’s matter of fact tone seemed to confuse the man.

“How...how many times has that happened to you?”

“Ummm….” Daniel checked the pile of books on the floor to the left of the desk. “Three? Four?” No Commentarii, but there was that copy of Pomponius Mela’s De Situ Orbis that he’d been looking for last week. “Ummm…no, just three, I think.”

“Just three.” There was a long pause. “Just three?” Cooper’s voice scaled up an octave before he managed to pull himself together. “How do you get accidentally declared dead more than once?”

“Surprisingly enough, there are quite a few ways for it to happen.” Daniel began checking the pile of books on the floor to the right of the desk. “The first time they thought I was dead, I had actually gotten married.”

“Heh. I know the feeling,” Cooper muttered, before clearing his throat and continuing at a normal volume. “There’s no record of a spouse on any of these forms, including those for the settlement of estate.”

“Uh, we didn’t really have anything.” Dammit, not in that pile either. Where could the blasted book have gotten to? He looked at his watch again. Crap. If he didn’t find it in the next minute, he’d have to leave without it.

“Surely there must have been some assets of the marriage?”

“Well, we owned a mastadge.” Wait. What was that peeking out from under the desk? Yes! Daniel did a mental arm pump of victory as he pulled the wayward Commentarii out from under the desk.

“Is…is…that a…kind of Honda?” Agent Cooper said slowly, clearly bewildered.

“Um, no, it’s not.” Daniel gently brushed a thin layer of dust off the cover of the book. “Look, can we do this later? I’m about to gate out, er, go, go out of, um, town on a, uh, business trip and I’m already late.”

“Mr. Jackson –“ Daniel disconnected the call and hurried out of the room. He plunked the handset back on the base, got his keys out of his pocket and headed for the front door, the Commentarii de Bello Gallico tucked firmly under his arm. He’d let Jack deal with the IRS while he was off on PX4-296 with SG-11 dealing with the Druids. It was good to have friends in high places.
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