"Hey, Sam," Daniel said, even though he knew there would be no response from his friend. He rubbed his thumb over the back of her lax hand. Maybe she'd know he was here. He hoped she would, that some part of her would somehow register his presence.
She slept on--sedated, necessary because of the ventilator. Sam looked small, vulnerable. And pale, he couldn't forget the paleness. Even now with her blood replaced and her body on its way to recovery, he still saw her lying across the stone altar, her lips blue, her chest not moving. Damn it shouldn't have been Sam.
"Excuse me, Doctor Jackson," a nurse whispered as she approached. Daniel stood up, moved back, out of the way. The nurse looked at the monitors and wrote something on a clipboard before she turned and gave an apologetic smile.
"I'll be...um..." He gestured toward a wall without looking and stepped away. Another person brushed past him as he made his way towards the doors. The respiratory therapist, he thought. Another reminder of his failure on the mission, his failure to protect his friend.
"Daniel?"
He turned at Janet's voice. He didn't know how she'd gotten behind him, but there she was. He schooled his expression to neutrality and hoped nothing had betrayed his emotion. He didn't need a Doctor Fraiser lecture at the moment. "Janet." There, that should do it. He sounded calm, totally in control.
She looked at him, and he watched her. She was assessing him. He recognized it in the way her gaze swept from his face to his hands and back to meet his gaze. She gave a small nod as if he'd met with approval. "Come back after you've gotten some sleep. I'll let you back in to see Sam then."
Daniel nodded and regretted it. The movement set his stomach churning.
Janet stepped closer and placed her hand on his forearm and looked up at him. Her eyes were the color of warm brandy--he'd never noticed that before--and filled with what he knew was genuine concern. It was the only thing that made her touch tolerable. "I promise I'll call you if there's any change." She patted his arm and Daniel squelched the urge to laugh. She reminded him of a mother at that moment. Of course she was a mother, so...
"Daniel?"
The soft voice pulled him out of scattered thoughts. "Get something to eat, too."
"I will," he said, but it wasn't a promise.
He found himself in a hallway with no memory of getting there. He blinked a few times to clear his vision and take stock of his surroundings. His ears were ringing and he veered into the wall a few times as he walked towards the elevators.
* * * *
The soup had tasted like nothing more than hot water, and the coffee, bitter. He hadn't finished either, not when his stomach did a few slow somersaults after the first few sips. He'd done what Janet asked--his own Mount Everest in the scheme of things. He took a deep breath as he entered his office. The familiar smell brought comfort.
The room smelled of leather and spice, an exotic scent that reminded him of childhood and of Sha're, of Abydos. Daniel found a chair, one he didn't have to empty of books and sat down. He looked at the pile of scrolls on the table. Maybe he could work a little bit. Even though he recognized the fear as irrational, he couldn't risk closing his eyes, not and have Sam slip away. He'd give it a few hours and then go back to the infirmary. Daniel reached for the first scroll and got to work.
* * * *
The knife was drawn back, and there was a flash as it drove downwards into Sam's chest. The high priest held up a still beating heart to the crowd and they cheered. At the base of the altar two other bodies lay, already sacrificed--Teal'c, who had died first and Jack, whose body had been mutilated in drawn-out torture.
His head came up with a start and he groaned at the sudden spike of pain down his neck and across his shoulders. He rubbed at his face even as he got to his feet. Dream, it was just a dream. They were alive, he reminded himself, all alive.
His breathing sounded harsh and his heart thudded. His legs cramped as he took a few steps, muscle memory from the nightmare journey to the Gate.
Daniel put a hand to his chest and rubbed. The need to see his other teammates became urgent and he left the room at a staggering run.
Jack, he needed to find Jack. Needed to physically remind himself the dream was only that and not reality. He bounced off something and nearly wound up sitting on his ass in the middle of the hallway.
"Doctor Jackson?"
He looked up to see Sergeant Siler looking down with concern. Daniel pushed himself off the wall and then had to accept a steadying hand when he swayed.
"Fine. I'm fine."
Siler's glance told Daniel the other man didn't believe a word he said. He was glad he hadn't bothered to look in a mirror lately.
"I'm just..." Daniel waved his hand towards the elevators. "Going to the infirmary."
"I'm headed there myself, sir," Siler said.
Daniel squinted at him but Siler's expression was unreadable and knowing the man's penchant for trouble, Daniel supposed it was possible. "Oh." He managed to smile although it made his face ache and his head pound.
Crap.
* * * *
"How is he?" Daniel asked in a whisper as he stood next to Jack's bed.
Janet smiled across the bed. "Colonel O'Neill should be waking up sometime in the next few hours. Don't expect him to be very coherent at first. The drugs they gave him were pretty powerful."
"Teal'c?" Daniel gripped the bed-rail tighter.
"He went to his quarters to perform kelno'reem about an hour ago." Janet tilted her head and narrowed his eyes. "You didn't rest, did you?"
"I slept," Daniel said. She didn't need to know how little.
"Sit down before you fall down."
Daniel didn't know how Janet had materialized by his side. He didn't remember her moving from the other side of the bed, but here she was. A chair bumped the back of his legs and Janet put a hand on his arm.
"Sit," she ordered.
That tone was one he recognized and one he didn't dare disobey. Daniel sat and regretted the movement. Head rush, whoa.
Janet's hands felt cool against his neck and forehead as she made a small tsking sound. He heard her talking to someone else, and he wanted to open his mouth to reply, but his body seemed to be out of his control. He was up and moving. He didn't remember telling his feet to move, his legs to support him. But they were and then he was horizontal and there was a pillow underneath his head.
"Your team is safe, Daniel. You brought them home." That was Janet talking. He could trust her. In all the years he'd known her, she'd never lied to him.
* * * *
He opened his eyes when he felt someone watching him.
"Jack."
Daniel's voice was hoarse. He coughed deep in his throat to clear it.
Jack continued to watch him, unblinking.
Daniel sat up, turning his head to search for a nurse or Fraiser. Had that drug given Jack brain damage? Was that why...
"You look like crap," Jack said, his mouth turning up in a familiar quirk.
"And you don't?" Daniel responded. He crossed his arms over his chest.
Jack shrugged. "You forget I've been sleeping for the last twenty-four hours or so, courtesy of our oh so nice hosts."
"Um, yeah." Daniel looked at the floor, not wanting to see Jack's disappointment in him.
"Daniel."
He glanced up. Jack's eyes were narrowed and his mouth was set in a grim line. He spoke in a measured tone, his command voice, Daniel had labeled it long ago. "You got us home. Against all of them, you got us out of there."
"Sam," Daniel began and then stopped. God, Sam. He hadn't done such a good job of protecting her.
"She's gonna pull through," Jack said with confidence. "Carter's tougher than she looks. You geeks always are." He smiled but Daniel didn't feel like returning it.
There was a pitcher of water and cup by his bed, and Daniel busied himself pouring. He raised the cup to his lips with a surprisingly steady hand. He couldn't let Jack see his fear. He'd nearly failed them on the planet, he wouldn't fail now.
"How's Sam doing?" he asked, hoping Jack could give him an update.
For all Jack's confidence, Daniel was dismayed when Jack glanced at the floor before responding.
"She's hanging in there. Doc said she's doing as well as can be expected."
Okay, that wasn't what he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear that Sam was awake, that she had come through the ordeal with nothing more than a scar that would fade with time.
"I'm sorry," Daniel finally said. He didn't avert his eyes from Jack's face.
Jack's expression didn't change. He didn't say a word to Daniel's apology.
Daniel stood and ignored the roiling in his stomach. "I've got to get back to work. I'm still working on the translations from the pyramid."
He walked out of the infirmary, acutely aware that no one followed to bring him back to his team.
* * * *
"The sun is shining today, Sam. Kind of a nice change from the rain we've been having." Daniel took Sam's unresponsive hand in his as he sat down by her bed. The vent was gone, and Sam was breathing on her own again. He just wished she'd open her eyes and let him know she was still in there. "Jack and Teal'c are training some new recruits. You should have heard Jack grumble about that duty." He didn't think it was necessary to add that Janet had grounded him from going off-world for the time being. Early days, Janet had said. Recovering from nearly being sacrificed and spilling most of one's blood on an alien world was going to take time, and Sam was doing well. Her body needed all its energy to heal.
Daniel rubbed his thumb on her upturned palm and berated himself for his selfishness. At least as long as Sam was unconscious she wouldn't be in pain. And God knew, he didn't want Sam to feel any more pain. Her hand was so fragile in his. He remembered her arm hanging over the stone altar, her fingertips dipped into her own blood. He remembered bending over her body and seeing her eyes half-opened, her mouth working to say his name, and the blood. God, the blood had been everywhere, staining the stone, staining his hands as he'd held his wadded up jacket to her chest. He looked at their intertwined fingers. He thought he'd gotten all the blood off his hands days ago, but there it was. He pulled his hand out of Sam's and rubbed at the spot, dismayed when it failed to disappear.
Damn it. Damn it--why wouldn't it go away? He stood up, ignoring the chair when it fell over. He needed to get the blood off his hands, get them clean. He shouldn't touch Sam with his hands covered in her blood.
He bumped into someone and sought escape blindly.
"Daniel." Someone called his name.
"Get it off," he told the person and held out his hands. Maybe that person would know what to do.
A damp cloth was pressed into his hands.
"It's all gone," the person repeated as his hands were wiped clean. "The blood is gone." And then the voice became Janet's and Daniel found himself standing in the infirmary near Sam's bed.
"Janet?" he asked and coughed because his throat was so dry.
"Flashback. You had a flashback." Janet's voice reminded him of his mother's when he'd once gotten lost in a village market. It held the same calm, measured tone that promised everything would be okay, that there was nothing to fear.
"Sorry," Daniel said and wiped his face with the cloth. Maybe if he'd be lucky, the floor would open up and swallow him whole. "I don't know why I...you know."
"It's not unexpected, Daniel," Janet said. "They happen."
He nodded and looked back towards Sam's bed. "She's not waking up." His throat felt tight. "You don't think there's some sort of damage?"
Please God, he thought. Please don't let there be damage.
Janet shook her head. "Sam's sleeping. That's all. She's on a lot of pain meds. We've been able to rouse her a bit when we've done checks."
Daniel looked at Janet in surprise. He hadn't known that. He opened his mouth and shut it when Janet spoke again.
"And no, it wasn't necessary to wake you up in the middle of the night to tell you Sam woke up for a minute and then fell back asleep." Janet tapped Daniel's forearm. "We've been reducing the pain meds a bit. By tomorrow, she should be more awake."
"She'll be in pain?"
"We'll manage it as best we can,." Janet reassured him. "I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Sam's got a lengthy recovery, but she will recover."
"I'll be here for her," Daniel promised.
"I know," Janet said and smiled at him.
* * * *
Daniel approached Sam's bed with one hand behind his back. She was staring at the food tray in front of her, seemingly lost in thought.
"Sam?" Daniel spoke quietly, not wanting to startle her.
She turned her head towards him and smiled. "Daniel."
Her voice was still hoarse and Daniel knew her throat probably still hurt from being on the vent. He pulled the ferns and baby's breath out from behind his back, smiling when Sam's eyes grew wide and her smile brighter than it had been a few moments earlier.
"They're so pretty," Sam said. She reached out and then let out a soft cry of pain.
Daniel put the ferns on the bedside table and moved closer to his friend. He pushed the tray out of the way, grabbed the hard pillow from the bottom of the bed and pressed it into Sam's hands. She clutched it to her chest and coughed while Daniel held his hands tight against hers.
"Thank you," Sam said, a few tense moments later. "Sometimes I forget I..." She dropped her chin towards her chest.
"I know."
"Water?" Sam asked with a slightly steadier voice.
Daniel poured her a glass and handed it to her, glad to see her hands no longer trembled from the simple effort of holding a glass.
"Jack and Teal'c send their regards from, and I quote, 'P7Y-312, which is henceforth to be named the cess pool of the universe.' Oh, and Jack would like you to know that we owe him dinner, preferably on a beach on Hawaii or anywhere the temperature is not allowed to go below 70 degrees," Daniel said as he busied himself with putting the ferns in an extra pitcher on the table.
A small chuckle from Sam warmed his heart. He sat down and took her hand in his. Her fingers curled around his, soft and warm.
"How did therapy go?" Daniel asked.
Sam's fingers tightened on his, but Sam smiled as she spoke. "Fine. I'm making progress."
Making progress she might have been, but every line of Sam's body spoke of the effort she made to regain her strength. He'd been by the infirmary earlier, an hour after she'd come back from therapy, to find her sound asleep and Janet giving her some more pain medication in her IV.
"Good," Daniel said. She did look a lot better than she had even twenty-four hours ago. She no longer looked as if she'd break if he touched her, no longer wound up out of breath from the simple effort of talking. Just as Janet had promised, Sam was recovering.
A nurse approached the bed and Sam sighed. Daniel frowned up at the woman but turned his attention back to Sam when she tugged on his hand.
"It's time for me to take a walk," she explained.
Daniel looked at the nurse. "Can I...I mean if Sam wants...is it okay?"
"I'd like that," Sam said while the nurse hid a smile.
The nurse shook her head. "I will never understand how any of SG-1 understands each other."
"It's a gift," Daniel said as he helped the nurse lower the bed-rail.
"Be careful, Daniel," Sam said. "You're starting to sound like Colonel O'Neill."
Daniel supported Sam as she got out of bed. He could hear the little gasps she gave as she changed position and the stitches pulled. For a moment it reminded him of the panting breaths she'd taken while he held his hands to her chest. It was over, he reminded himself. Over and she was here now. Here and safe.
The nurse slid the IV pole and Sam grasped it in one hand while her other arm came around Daniel's waist.
"Ready?" he asked.
He felt her nod and her arm tense. They began a slow walk towards the infirmary door, no longer talking, all of Sam's concentration taken by the simple act of walking to the end of the hall and the elevators and back.
"I need to stop," Sam said when they finally reached the elevators. "Rest a little bit."
"Do you need a nurse? Should I call Janet?" Daniel wasn't sure if this was normal or not.
Sam shook her head. "Just need to...catch...my breath."
"Okay," he agreed while trying to figure out how to get help for Sam if she needed it anytime soon.
"Daniel."
Sam leaned against him, her body a light, warm weight. She felt nothing like she had on the planet, when he'd carried her the distance to the Gate, convinced she was already...
"I never thanked you," Sam said into his t-shirt, her breath moist against the fabric.
"Thanked me?" Daniel looked down at the top of her head in confusion. Why would Sam want to thank him? It had been his miscalculation that had resulted in Sam on the stone altar.
"You saved my life," she said and her fist gave a weak tap to his stomach.
"Oh," Daniel said and couldn't find any other words for the gift she'd just given. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and hugged her gently, carefully, because he'd learned a long time ago how precious family was.
* * * *
Daniel sat next to Walter in the control room and watched as Jack, Teal'c, and their contingent of trainees came through the Gate--none of whom looked very happy.
"Lucy, I'm home," Jack called out and a few of the trainees actually cringed.
Ah, so it had been that kind of mission, Daniel thought. Jack looked up and waved one very dirty hand.
"Welcome home, Jack. Teal'c," Daniel said into the mic. General Hammond was already in the Gate room and from the face he was making, Daniel was glad he'd been late to the control room.
"What is that odor?" Daniel heard General Hammond ask.
Jack shrugged. "It seems that Mason here," and at that point, a tall red-haired man backed slightly away, "discovered a nest of alien stink bugs, who conveniently showed us what they could do. Isn't that right, Mason?"
Daniel heard Walter snicker beside him and didn't hold back his own chuckle. He couldn't hear what Mason said but Jack clapped the man on the shoulder as they left the Gate Room.
He left the control room and headed for SG-1's locker room, mentally preparing himself for the smell.
* * * *
For the first time in weeks, Daniel felt as if SG-1 might have a chance of coming back together. Jack and Teal'c, thankfully odor-free, sat on two beds in the infirmary while Daniel stood between them.
"How's Carter doing?" Jack asked as he held out his arm for a nurse to take a vial of blood.
"Good. She's doing good. Up and walking. Going to therapy." Daniel gave Jack a quick glance and then shifted his gaze to the floor. "Janet says she'll be going home in a few days."
"That is good news, DanielJackson," Teal'c said.
"Yes. Yes it is." Daniel smiled in Teal'c's direction and then glanced back at Jack who seemed lost in thought. That brief moment of feeling as though SG-1 was on the mend disappeared as he looked at Jack.
He'd screwed up. Majorly screwed up and like Humpty Dumpty, Daniel wasn't sure he could put the pieces back together again. He mentally took a deep breath and spoke. "Picnic."
"Daniel?"
"Jack?"
"Picnic?"
"Your dinner. Sam said she'd like a picnic when she gets out of the infirmary."
"I thought the message was you and Carter owed *us* dinner."
Daniel crossed his arms over his chest. "I know how to grill."
"Danny boy, in case you don't remember, you live in an apartment. You don't exactly have the right atmosphere for a picnic." Jack crossed his own arms over his chest.
"So, we'll use your place and I'll cook there," Daniel explained.
"You will not. No one touches my grill but me."
"Unfortunately," Teal'c said.
Oh yeah, things were majorly screwed when Jack didn't even react to Teal'c's statement.
* * * *
"Do you need anything, Sam?" Daniel squatted by the chaise lounge Sam was currently occupying.
She turned her head and gave him a lazy smile. "Nothing." She patted his hand where it rested on the canvas. "It feels good to be outside again."
Daniel smiled back. "You wouldn't be saying that if you saw what Jack is doing to the steaks."
"Is that what I smell?" Sam pushed herself up a little bit, and Daniel placed a hand behind her back to steady her. She moved her legs and motioned for Daniel to sit on the chaise.
"How are you feeling?" Daniel asked with concern. He knew this was what Sam wanted but she still looked fragile to him. Far more fragile than he ever thought Sam could look.
"Good. Better than yesterday and the day before that," Sam said. "But let me warn you--if you ever need a physical therapist, don't be fooled by Joanna. She's merciless."
Daniel nodded. "Duly noted."
"Soup's on." Jack's voice carried to the yard.
"I wish it was soup," Sam muttered as Daniel helped her up and they made their way to the picnic table on the deck.
Daniel didn't try to hide his grin at her statement. He knew how she felt. Jack always was an enthusiastic griller--sometimes too enthusiastic.
"Eat up," Jack said when they were all seated at the table--Sam next to Daniel, Teal'c next to Jack. He placed a steak on each of their plates.
"Fraiser give you any idea when she's putting you back on light duty, Carter?" Jack asked as they began to eat.
"She said we'd try it next week, sir," Sam replied. "I'm anxious to get back to the lab. She expects me back to full duty within the next six weeks."
"That soon?" Daniel commented before his brain had a chance to catch up with his mouth.
"Soon?" Sam wrinkled her brow in question. "Six weeks is a long time."
"Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Janet knows best." Daniel forced a smile to his lips.
They continued their meal, although the food tasted like ashes in Daniel's mouth. Sam, Jack, and Teal'c talked around him, Daniel unable to find his voice again.
The twilight deepened and finally they began gathering up the plates to go indoors. Daniel helped Sam up and then took her plate and flatware along with his to Jack's dishwasher.
Daniel put in the plates and the forks. Jack rummaged in the fridge for the dessert he'd promised them. Daniel smiled. Knowing Jack, it was probably some sort of pie.
He picked up one of the steak knives and curled his fingers around the handle. He shifted his grip and held it in a fist, thumb pointing up. A small bit of steak sauce clung to the tip--reddish brown, the tint of dried blood. How much force had it taken? He could see the priest's arm lifting overhead, see Sam trembling on the altar despite the drugs they'd given her to keep her still. How much force did it take to drive a blade through human flesh? He remembered hearing a scream and a gunshot. He remembered the impact of muscle against bone and Sam's body in his arms, limp and unresponsive. He remembered the feel of the hard ground beneath his feet as he ran and the slick and sticky feel of blood on his hands, his arms, the natives scattering before him from his evident magical powers--the alien able to kill with the power of sound and smoke.
"It's okay, buddy." Jack was talking but that was impossible because Jack was unconscious and he still needed to get him and Teal'c to the Gate.
"It is over, DanielJackson." Teal'c's voice now--and a large, dark hand wrapped around his.
Jack's kitchen. He was in Jack's kitchen with Jack and Teal'c and...oh God.
"Sam? Where's Sam?"
The knife fell from suddenly numb fingers--a loud clatter in the sink.
"I'm here," Sam said. He wrapped his arms around her and closed his eyes when she responded in kind.
"I'm here," she whispered again, her breath tickling his ear.
"I didn't mean it," Daniel whispered, the need to have her understand vital.
"I know. I know." Her head rested against his shoulder and he could feel the warmth of tears. He didn't think she'd cried once since the whole incident. There was a military word, incident, as if nearly being sacrificed to an alien god under an alien sky was nothing more than a fender bender in rush hour traffic.
Daniel was vaguely aware of Jack and Teal'c nearby, lending their silent support while Sam cried into his neck. He didn't know what to say to her, he had no words to take away what had happened. So he held on to her and determined to not let go for as long as she needed him.
She pushed away from him some minutes later--not as long as he probably thought, not as short as it probably was. He dropped his arms to his sides and his hands hung loose and helpless.
"I, uh." Sam wiped at her face with one hand and looked at them, her mouth working but nothing coming out.
"MajorCarter, I believe you may benefit from a cool cloth on your face," Teal'c said. He went to her side and put a protective arm over her shoulders.
It had been the right thing to say, to do. Far better than the meager comfort Daniel had been able to offer.
Teal'c and Sam left the kitchen, and he could hear the low rumble of Teal'c's voice and then a small laugh from Sam. His stomach twisted at the sound.
The knife still lay in the sink, and suddenly the need to get it out of his sight became all-consuming. He reached out to take it back in his hand and froze. His hands appeared covered in blood and he turned on the faucet and grabbed a steel wool pad to scrub the blood off his hands.
The water was turned off and someone gently turned him away from the sink.
"Let's get you sitting down." Jack. It was Jack.
Daniel let himself be led to a chair.
"There's nothing there," Jack said and Daniel looked down at his hands which Jack was rubbing with a towel. "See. Nothing there."
"There was so much blood," Daniel heard himself say. "He stabbed her and the blood was everywhere. I couldn't stop it." He looked at Jack who had pulled a chair across from him. "I couldn't." He needed someone to understand.
"I know." Jack placed a hand on the back of Daniel's neck. "I know."
"She could have died. All of you. I thought you and Teal'c were..." Daniel brought his hands up to his face, the heels of his palms ground into his forehead. "Dead." The word came out in a harsh whisper. There. He'd said it.
"Yeah," Jack agreed. "We made it. We all made it."
Daniel slammed his hands down onto his knees, anger replacing the fear. "I can't change it. I can't take it back."
"No. You can't."
There was something in Jack's voice--a small change of tone, subtle enough that only a friend would be able to tell. Daniel looked at him in surprise, understanding clicking into place.
"It's not your fault, Jack," Daniel said with a certainty that he was right in interpreting that particular tone.
"See, there's where you've got it wrong," Jack said. "I'm the CO. It's my job to keep my team safe." He gave a little laugh. "Kinda hard to do when I was drugged out of my gourd."
"But we..."
"No. You, Daniel. You're the one who saved the team."
Daniel leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "So, what? Are you jealous that I managed to get us out of there?"
Jack shook his head. "I'm damn glad you got us out of there. I really didn't want to do the whole still-beating heart pulled out of my body thing. And I'm pretty sure Carter appreciates your quick thinking as does Teal'c."
"So..." Daniel drew out the word, using the time to think and then it hit him. "Oh."
"Yeah. Oh." Jack grinned. "See that's the thing about a team--we share the responsibility."
"It wasn't my fault," Daniel whispered the words, believing them for the first time since they'd gotten back from the mission.
"Indeed it was not," Teal'c agreed. Daniel looked up at Teal'c and Sam who stood by his side with a smile.
"The only fault to be found was that of the Quetzi," Teal'c continued. "They are the ones who determined that we should be sacrificed to their god."
Daniel took a deep breath and looked at his team, his friends, his family. He took in Sam's practicality, Teal'c's loyalty, and Jack's honor and wrapped them around his own heart, bound them with his own convictions and ideals until they were a part of him that he could never lose--the truest sense of love he knew.
What is True by babs
[Reviews - 0] 
| Category: | General |
| Genres: | Angst, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Team |
| Rated: | Pre-Teen |
| Warnings: | None |
| Series: | None |
| Summary: | Daniel feels responsible for what happens to his team while on a mission. |
Story Notes:
Timed out from the In Times Like These zine for Jmas. She truly is a light for the fandom. Special thanks to Jo and Devra for the beta and the encouragment.