Talentless Night at the SGC by Xochiquetzl
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Category: Jack/Daniel
Genres: Established Relationship, Humor, Missing Scene/Episode-Related
Rated: Mature
Warnings: None
Series: None
Summary: During "Politics," SG-1 discusses alternate fundraising possibilities.

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"So, the short version is we need money. General Hammond already nixed my car wash and bake sale ideas," Jack commented. He looked around the briefing room table at the rest of his team.

"We could hold talent night, and General Hammond could order everyone to attend," Daniel suggested.

"Does anyone here have any talent?" Sam asked.

"No," Teal'c said flatly.

"Harsh! but helpful. We could set up tables at all the exits and charge people to leave! Brilliant idea, Daniel!" Jack said, fighting back an evil grin.

"I was thinking something like an SGC production of 'Little Shop of Horrors.' Teal'c simply MUST play Audrey II," Daniel enthused.

"'Audrey II'?" Teal'c asked skeptically.

"Audrey II is the talking plant," Jack explained, as if that made the suggestion crystal clear.

"Why must I play the talking plant?" Teal'c asked.

"You're the only one with a deep enough voice," Daniel explained patiently.

"Teal'c, the character is a giant, homicidal plant from outer space! Hello?" Jack rolled his eyes at the obviousness of it all.

"There are times when I doubt the sanity of the Tau'ri," Teal'c observed.

"You're saying you don't have theater on Chulak?" Daniel said.

"We have theater," Teal'c replied. "It does not involve large, homicidal plants from other worlds."

"Not even your really silly theater?" Daniel asked.

Teal'c shook his head solemnly.

"I think I should be Seymour, Sam should be Audrey--that's Audrey I, Teal'c--General Hammond should be Mr. Mushnik, and Jack, you should be Audrey's evil leather-wearing dentist boyfriend."

"There are easier ways to get me into a leather jacket, Daniel," Jack observed. "Ways that do not involve my singing."

"Daniel?" Sam said. "I hate to throw water on your... very creative idea, but... I can't sing. At all."

"Can you at least do the bad Brooklyn accent?"

"You're joking, right?"

"Oh. Well, I can do the bad Brooklyn accent. Maybe I should do Audrey. What the hell, throw me in a blonde wig and a pair of heels," Jack suggested cheerfully. "Or better yet, we can make Daniel do it. It's HIS idea!"

"Um, no."

"But you'd be so cute in the Audrey outfit!" Jack said. Daniel blushed, and Sam and Teal'c stared at Jack like he'd sprouted a second head, but he blithely continued, "Although, if we're going to do drag, I think we should go directly to Rocky Horror." He realised he was the focus of three incredulous stares. "What? I'm getting attitude just 'cause I like fishnets and heels?" He leered dreadfully at Daniel.

"Hmmm," Daniel said. "That's so bizarre it could work. I think people would pay money to see Jack in drag, although I think they'll need to pay Dr. Mackenzie more for the post-show therapy. Jack, I think you should play Frankie."

"Hmmm, what's the word I'm looking for here... could it be... NO? You should do it."

"I don't think I have the confidence for the part," Daniel protested.

"I don't think I have the legs or the voice for the part," Jack retorted. "If I sing, people are going to need Dr. Fraiser, not Dr. Mackenzie."

"Uh, well, leaving that aside for the moment... Obviously Sam has to be Eddie. She's got the leather and the motorcycle. I think I have Brad or Janet written all over me..."

"Janet!" Jack said. "I'll be Brad if you'll be Janet!"

"What about Magenta?" Sam asked.

"Dr. Fraiser," Daniel suggested. "And Siler can be Riff-Raff."

"Columbia?" Jack asked.

"Simmons, naturally," Daniel answered promptly.

"Which leaves Frankie. Teal'c?"

"Hmmm. I was thinking Teal'c should be Rocky, but..."

"No, you're probably right," Jack said. "I still think you should do Frankie. You're the only one here who can sing, and you have lovely legs," he murmured dreamily, staring hungrily at the appendages in question until Carter's elbow jabbed into his ribcage and he jerked back to the now. "Uh - what was my point again?"

Daniel blushed. "I thought you wanted me to play Janet to your Brad."

"Yeah, but only so I could see you do 'Toucha toucha' in a slip," Jack said. "I'm willing to make that sacrifice for the greater good. Especially if you'll do that later at home."


"TMI, sir," Sam said.

"In fact, why don't you play all the parts!" Jack said enthusiastically.

"Um," Daniel started.

*blam blam blam*

"What the hell is that noise?" Jack asked.

"It's nothing!" Daniel said. "Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I want to be dirty!" he sang, removing his shirt and straddling Jack's lap.

"Woohoo!" Jack cheered.

"Colonel O'Neill?" Sam said, but she sounded far away. Which was good, because Jack suspected this musical number was about to get a hell of a lot more interesting.

*blam blam blam*

Jack found himself face down on his desk, drooling on his report. He looked up, into the concerned faces of SG1, hoping there was no printer ink on his face. He wondered how he got into his office.

"Sir, Senator Kinsey is here," Sam said.

"Tell him we don't need his stinkin' money!" Jack said. "We're dressing Daniel up in a blonde wig and heels and having him play Audrey in 'Little Shop of Horrors'! We'll rake it in!"

Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c looked at each other, concerned.

"Are you okay, Jack?" Daniel asked.

"Yeah," Jack said, blinking. "I just need coffee." *Maybe I should stick my head right under the spigot,* he reflected thoughtfully.

"Audrey?" Daniel asked.

"It was a dream," Jack said. "A very vivid dream," he added. Especially that part with the slip.

"Was Teal'c the giant plant?" Daniel asked.

"As a matter of fact," Jack said, eyeing Daniel thoughtfully. "So, Daniel, how familiar are you with 'Rocky Horror'?"

"Not very," Daniel admitted. He'd heard of it, but had never seen it. "Why?"

"We should rent it sometime. It was in my dream, too," Jack said, smirking. Daniel wouldn't know what hit him. "British movie," he tempted, knowing full well that meant chicks in fancy costumes to Danny. And talking. Lots and lots of earnest, soft-focus talking. No car chases or explosions, just... talking. Lots. Daniel's favorite implement of Jack-torture.

"Uh, okay," Daniel said, humoring him. What the hell; he should encourage Jack's enthusiasm for any movie that didn't contain car chases, explosions, and a body count. "We'll get you coffee on the way to the meeting. Come on, Seymour," he added in a faux-Brooklyn accent.

Just for that, Jack was gonna make Danny wear the damn slip.
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